Life’s Like Mayonnaise Soda

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This thing is not exactly depression.

It has tinges of anxiety. My heart races and I worry and overthink. The Paxil had that fixed for a while.

I’m not exactly sad.

Just unfocused and raw and blue. If I can just lay on the couch in front of the TV, I can just veg in my foggy stupid-head and never move and feel mostly blearily pacified. But if I have to get up and go to work, I can’t focus. And I can’t sit still.

And my head is full of words. But my mouth doesn’t want to speak any out loud.

I don’t have a diagnosis, only similes.

  • It’s like when you’re riding a bike and you hear the click when you shift gears, but you can feel in the pedals that it didn’t quite take.
  • It’s like that itch on the back of your calf that you scratch and scratch until it bleeds, but it still itches.
  • It’s like trying to exist as the proverbial square peg in a world of round holes.
  • It’s like that “Time’s Arrow” episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where they discover a race of beings they can’t see because they’re “slightly out of phase with time.”

And I guess sad and depressed AREN’T the right words for what I’m feeling. I think the right word is alone. But it’s a different thing from feeling lonely. When I’m like this I feel alone when I’m here by myself. I feel alone when I’m in a full sanctuary at church. I feel alone at breakfast with Boo. And I’d feel alone if I were in a full baseball stadium.

It feels like I am just out of phase with the world.

What’s Good – Lou Reed

Life’s like a mayonnaise soda
And life’s like space without room
And life’s like bacon and ice cream
That’s what life’s like without you

Life’s like forever becoming
But life’s forever dealing in hurt
Now life’s like death without living
That’s what life’s like without you

Life’s like Sanskrit read to a pony
I see you in my mind’s eye strangling on your tongue
What’s good is knowing such devotion
I’ve been around, I know what makes things run

What good is seeing eye chocolate
What good’s a computerized nose
And what good was cancer in April
Why no good, no good at all

What good’s a war without killing
What good is rain that falls up
What good’s a disease that won’t hurt you
Why no good, I guess, no good at all

What good are these thoughts that I’m thinking
It must be better not to be thinking at all
A Styrofoam lover with emotions of concrete
No not much, not much at all

What good is life without living
What good’s this lion that barks
You loved a life others throw away nightly
It’s not fair, not fair at all

What’s good?
Oh, baby, what’s good?
What’s good?
What’s good?
Not much at all

Hey, baby, what’s good?
(What’s good?)
What’s good?
(What’s good?)
What’s good?
(What’s good?)
Not much at all

What’s good?
(What’s good?)
What’s good?
(Life’s good)
Life’s good
(Life’s good)
What’s good?
(Life’s good)
But not fair at all

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