Something Is Missing
I always feel like something is missing. But I don’t know what it is.
Sometimes I think that maybe my job is unfulfilling and that must be what it is. I read this job posting today and almost hyperventilated because I’ve been doing this stuff for 25 years and wasn’t sure I was qualified for this position. Why don’t I know how to do all these things??? What have I been doing for all this time?
Sometimes I think that maybe I don’t have enough faith and gratitude as a Christian. But, ick, you know…. That just seems kind of lame and doesn’t fit into my personal theology. I don’t think God puts a big hole in your heart because you’re not worshiping just right.
Sometimes I think that maybe if I find the perfect man he’ll fill that emptiness inside my soul and everything will be perfect forever. But I know that’s not true. And it’s not fair to anybody I try to have a relationship with. (I’ve already made that mistake.) I wish my grandmother hadn’t taken me to all those Disney films when I was little. Maybe children’s feminists rallies instead? (This rally brought to you by the letter V…)
So what is it? What’s missing? How did I turn out like this? And how do I fix it if I don’t know what it is?
I’ve already tried filling this empty hole with food, and softball, and Jesus, and toughness, and a husband, and Star Trek, and an affair, and books, and alcohol, and recovery, and baseball, and Doc Martens, and running, and sweetness, and goodness. But so far the emptiness is still just a greedy bottomless pit.
I haven’t tried heroin yet. But that’s probably not the way to go. What is it that’s going to fill me up without killing me?