Something Is Missing

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I always feel like something is missing. But I don’t know what it is.

Sometimes I think that maybe my job is unfulfilling and that must be what it is. I read this job posting today and almost hyperventilated because I’ve been doing this stuff for 25 years and wasn’t sure I was qualified for this position. Why don’t I know how to do all these things??? What have I been doing for all this time?

Sometimes I think that maybe I don’t have enough faith and gratitude as a Christian. But, ick, you know…. That just seems kind of lame and doesn’t fit into my personal theology. I don’t think God puts a big hole in your heart because you’re not worshiping just right.

Sometimes I think that maybe if I find the perfect man he’ll fill that emptiness inside my soul and everything will be perfect forever. But I know that’s not true. And it’s not fair to anybody I try to have a relationship with. (I’ve already made that mistake.) I wish my grandmother hadn’t taken me to all those Disney films when I was little. Maybe children’s feminists rallies instead? (This rally brought to you by the letter V…)

So what is it? What’s missing? How did I turn out like this? And how do I fix it if I don’t know what it is?

I’ve already tried filling this empty hole with food, and softball, and Jesus, and toughness, and a husband, and Star Trek, and an affair, and books, and alcohol, and recovery, and baseball, and Doc Martens, and running, and sweetness, and goodness. But so far the emptiness is still just a greedy bottomless pit.

I haven’t tried heroin yet. But that’s probably not the way to go. What is it that’s going to fill me up without killing me?

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3 responses to “Something Is Missing”

  1. Beth Plemmons says :

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUOXfzV_VHs …maybe? I keep searching for someone to love me, too, and wondering at how I ended up where I am…

    I have to believe God wants to be my all in all if I will just let go and let Him. And that the agony is the result of my refusing to fill those spaces with Him. He’s teaching me what will make me whole and complete but I’m too flipping stubborn to learn the lessons and am having to repeat the same grade levels over and over.

  2. Fabienne says :

    I journaled this very thought recently. and…all that’s missing is me. me yo love myself in spite of and despite my challenges, imperfections, perfectionist tendencies, my laziness, my thighs…I need to find out who i am. who I want to be, and be that. love that person selfishly. in return I will be able to give so much more that those around me that do love me will only mirror what they see in me. now I read that everyday. I am a work in progress.

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