Karma’s A Bitch…

I was married ten years when I left my husband. I took my stuff, left a note, and moved out while he was at work. I was a coward.

I had felt like he wasn’t treating me like I deserved. I thought I deserved somebody who appreciated me. So I started having an affair with a friend of ours.

He told me he loved me. He told me that if I left my husband and found us a place to live that he would leave his girlfriend and we would finally be together.

So I did. I left my dogs and my books and my baseball cards and my life and my husband and moved into an apartment. And suddenly my boyfriend turned into a ghost. He stopped calling. He wouldn’t answer his phone. Three months after I left my husband, he told me he couldn’t bring himself to leave his girlfriend.

There I was feeling like the dumbest, most cliched, most ashamed woman ever. I had wanted what I deserved. And I had gotten it.

I don’t know if I’ve ever felt such crushing pain and shame. It was right on the slimmest razor’s edge of being simply unbearable. Only drinking let me live through it.

Since then, nine years ago, my relationships have been alcohol fueled, uncommitted, dysfunctional, awkward, complicated, and few and far between.

I just want another chance to have a normal, responsible, loving, committed relationship.

But although it doesn’t really fit with my theology, I can’t help but think God is punishing me. These years of loneliness and depression and longing for someone to love me again – a second chance – are the karma and judgement that I’ve brought upon myself. I got what I deserved.

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2 responses to “Karma’s A Bitch…”

  1. Kelly says :

    I do believe that much of what you are struggling with is that you think that you deserve to be punished… as if karma is raining over you. Perhaps if you start believing that you are worthy of a healthy relationship, as opposed to ruining one before it has the chance to prove you wrong, opportunities will present themselves. You are the ultimate “run before something good can show itself” person… but the truth is that only you can prove it into existence, or prove it the other.

  2. dmcco01 says :

    Kelly, remind me what your blog address is!

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