To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before

(Boys I’ve loved not shown to scale…)

Relationships continue to vex me. There never seems to be the right man at the right time with the right desire and the right commitment. And a weird thing has been happening lately where people I have loved in the past are starting to come back around again.

One man reappeared out of the blue after 10 years. He just popped up in the comments of one of these blog posts one day. He sent me a dozen roses. What the hell is that all about?

Then another ex sent me a text a few weeks ago reporting how many months it had been since we talked, since we’d seen each other, and since we’d had sex. What the fuck is THAT all about?

It’s like they’ve completed an orbit of me or something. (Wait! That simile makes me sound really fat!) How about, they’ve come full circle in realizing my incomparable womanly awesomeness!

It’s as if my exes are women who’ve had babies. After a suitable amount of time, they seem to forget the pain and think they want to do it all over again.

But the problem is, they’re exes for a reason. In the meantime, I’ve been chasing my Boo for two years now with varying degrees of success. Lots of face time. Only a tiny bit of SUCKING face time.

Why can’t I seem to get on the same page with a man and us love each other and be available at the same time? (I mean. I did it once before!)


Boo, my “not-boyfriend” as he’s come to be known in Sunday School class, drives me absolutely nuts. But despite that fact, we’ve actually become good friends.

I’ve kept no secrets from Boo about the feelings I have for him. Most men would run screaming from a woman who’s pursued them as mercilessly as I have pursued him for the last two years. He doesn’t. But what he does do is take tiny little baby steps closer to me and then take off running in the opposite direction like a scalded dog.

It’s funny how things have evolved between Boo and me. I used to just want to claw my heart out of my chest when I couldn’t convince him to love me. It hurt me so much. (And know that I still believe completely and delusionally that if I love him hard enough and show him and tell him that enough, he’ll fall in love with me. I am a MO-RON!)


He and I used to have some kind of messy conversation about this stuff every three or four months and then get cold to each other for a while.

Now we have this same messy conversation and then just go on with each other the way it was and nobody seems to be torn up about it. (My prescription for Lamictal helped me a lot with the pain too. Lows are not as low. Highs are not as high.)

Somehow, in the midst of all this complication, we’ve become good friends. Our friendship has become one I cherish. Boo is an awesome person. He makes me laugh my ass off. (He’s totally inappropriate and sarcastic. I love that. It actually turns me on a little…) He pushes me to try harder and do my best. And I love being with him even when he’s in a bad place where he can’t open his mouth and manage to say two words out loud.

So I suppose I just put this all out there to say that, DAMMIT, when you’re a little girl, nobody ever tells you love is going to be so complicated!

Men. Can’t live with them, can’t live without them.

Can’t stop thinking about their muscular forearms, and their big, strong hands, and their mischievousness, and their handsome faces, and their smart-assedness, and those hugs and kisses, and that stubble….

Jesus, be an intercessor and maybe a bottle of Mermaid Spirit Magick Voodoo Houdou Oil for Seduction Sensuality Femininity Acceptance! I can’t do this down here without some help!


(What’s an incomparably awesome woman to do?)

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5 responses to “To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before”

  1. Kelly says :

    Love this. Hysterical yet completely raw and honest. The thing is, I know you aren’t the only person who feels this way. Not that this should make you feel better, but really… you aren’t alone. I love that you and Boo have formed an incredible friendship. Despite meekness, both of you haven’t shyed away from one another. Despite your desire, you guys are still working toward being on the same page.
    I remember in college, I had a radar for guys… imagining whether or not I could see myself in a relationship with them or not. Brett completely missed my radar. By a long shot. He stuck around for a while as a friend, and perhaps that is the thing I love most about him… the fact that we are friends!
    I don’t know where your love life is going to take you, but I think that you’ve been growing a lot in your search to find personal acceptance, and I am confident that this will bring you closer to identifying your want/need of a man in your life.

  2. Thomas Jones says :

    Sorry, Deanna. I couldn’t resist. Enjoy!

  3. Thomas Jones says :

    LOL! Glad you enjoyed!

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