Lawd Knows I Can’t Change

change
Reading back over my blog the last few days, I see that nothing has really changed for me over the last year and a half. Meds have kept me from feeling as bad physically (’cause y’all, heartbreak and sadness and depression physically hurt!), but I still whine about and wrestle with all the same things about myself. Is there something I like about feeling like shit and wallowing in so much self-pity?

Why do I have an urge to continue spewing the same problems all over the internet for people to read? It must be exhausting, annoying and incredibly boring to read the same stuff from me over and over.

I do still believe somewhere deep and misguided inside of me that if I share my “this girl is fucked in the head” issues enough, someone will come along, say or do the thing I’ve been missing, and suddenly I will be healed! I’ll be a new person! I will be whole and satisfied – finally!

Fairy_Godfather_50x50cm_Edition1

But I know nobody can fix me – my heart and all the things I hate about myself and my life.

I say that over and over, but I don’t know how to change myself. I don’t even know if I want to change. If I have to change into an extrovert, is that still me? If I LIKE myself am I still me?

Where do you even start trying to change your life? I can’t afford to quit a good job with benefits to go live in the woods in a cabin, chop my own firewood, shovel cow shit and read books. I’m exhausted by the thought of joining groups of people I don’t know. Match.com and eHarmony were a huge disappointment and waste of money. I’m not really interested in anything anymore except church and theology and things I want to control. And I’ve pretty much given up on finding someone to love me because it just hurts way, way too much.

So how do I affect change in myself? How do I even know who I want to be? How do I change the way I think? How do I change my feelings? How do I change all these negative emotions? How do I learn to like myself? How do I learn to feel like this life is even worth living?

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Added: I don’t even know WHY I’m so unhappy. That makes it hard to change too.

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6 responses to “Lawd Knows I Can’t Change”

  1. Kelly says :

    Have you considered getting back into therapy? Perhaps not with the same person, but someone who can give you a different perspective than the one you have been living for the past year?

    • dmcco01 says :

      Yes. And I quit seeing her maybe six months ago. But I printed out a list of therapists from my insurance company’s a few weeks ago. I just haven’t followed through.

  2. amyonnn says :

    Just. Let. Go. Trust me on this one!

  3. thedeviantdaydreamer says :

    Change, thought not easy, is possible.
    Nah, I’m kidding. I’m not gonna give you any of that shit…going through the same thing myself.
    People say – Be yourself. Things will get better.
    I say – Myself is depressed, lonely, insecure and suicidal. Do I still continue to be myself?
    But sadly, you do. Because that’s the only way through it. Change will make it worse. Trust me. I’ve tried.
    All it does is leave you with an incomplete feeling because now, you’re not yourself anymore. That depresses the hell out of you and you’re back to the same old unhappiness. Only, with a change in yourself.
    Which is a shitty feeling that you most definitely don’t want to feel.

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