Waiting To Exhale
My hands shook as I put the toothpaste on my toothbrush this morning. I realized every muscle in my body was tense and aching. My fists are always clinched. My arms always crossed tight over my chest.
And then I realized I never exhale. I hold air in my lungs like I hold so many of my feelings in my heart.
I’m dying for a rest – a break.
Almost ten years ago, I left my husband. There were months of planning and worry. I saved money. I rented an apartment. I consulted a lawyer. I bought new furniture. I moved out while he was at work. I left him a note. All of this without him knowing it was happening.
When it was finally over, I remember sitting on the back steps of the science building at work smoking a cigarette with a friend. The sun was warm. The quiet privacy between the holly bushes that flanked the steps and under the blooming magnolia trees was precious. As we talked and laughed, my legs started feeling funny. I wasn’t sure what was happening.
And then I realized the muscles in my quads were relaxing for the first time in months.
Oh, how I need that moment again.
Nothing used to be better for that reboot than a few drinks or twelve. Drinking was better than any of the meds the psychiatrist has prescribed. And here I had to go ruin such a simple cure by being an alcoholic.
I’m waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I’m not alone
I’m waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I’m not alone
Hello, speak up, is there somebody there?
These hang ups are getting me down
In a world frozen over with over exposure
Let’s talk it over, let’s go out and paint the town
Cause I’m waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me I’m not alone
Cause I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me
Links of the Week – April 17, 2015
* 18 Puppies On Their Way To Their New Homes!
* The Great Garden Gnome Massacre
* Long Exposure Light Photos – (Gorgeous!)
* Doctors To University: Fire That ‘Quack’ Dr. Oz
* Defeating Polio: The Disease That Paralyzed America
* Anne Lamott Shares All That She Knows: ‘Everyone Is Screwed Up, Broken, Clingy And Scared’
* MLB Teams Boost Mental Health Support Systems
* Love Is Not Supposed To Hurt… Then Why?
* New Study Says Tylenol Numbs Emotions – (Rushes to weekly grocery list…)
* 7 Things To Do When Your Kid Points Out Someone’s Differences – (Great stuff!)
* Hidden Cameras Reveal Airport Workers Stealing From Luggage – (Why are people so sorry?)
* Yogi Berra, Ready For The Game!
* Mindfulness Meditation Can Help Relieve Anxiety And Depression
* What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways To Be Good To Yourself
* Anne Lamott – Becoming The Person You’re Supposed To Be: Where To Start
* How To Get To Know Yourself In 5 Fool-Proof Steps
* Baddest Mother Ever: Ten Signs I’ve Found The Right Biscuit Joint – (Link of the week!)
* A Boy and Her Dog: Owning My Shame – (I feel so much of this.)
* Fisticuffs And Shenanigans: Pride, You Made Me Proud
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“You can only go halfway into the darkest forest; then you’re coming out the other side.”
— Chinese proverb
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Unpacking Boo
Clearly the time has come to work through all the issues surrounding my “relationship” with Boo. No one should absolutely lose their shit because somebody they work with is moving to a job across town. But my shit I did lose. The very real, desperate pain I felt over the weekend was incredibly out of proportion to the actual event.
I have to figure out why this has such a hold of me – why I can’t let it go. I can’t allow this delusion to continue to control my life, obsess me, and craze me. I think the easiest way to work through it is with some lists with occasional narrative thrown in for explanation.
Who Is Mythical Boo?
*Emotionally available
*Caring
*Attentive
*Sensitive
*Committed
*Accepts me
*There when I need him
*Open
Who Is Real Boo? – The Good
*Funny
*Sweet
*Inquisitive
*Handsome
*Sexy
*Manly
*Best first date EVER!
*Never completely lets me go (no matter what dumb shit I do)
*My friend?
Who Is Real Boo? – The Bad
*Emotionally unavailable
*Wrapped up in his work
*Undependable
*Not there when I need him
*Never completely lets me go
*Closed off
*Coming out of a BAD divorce
*Mean streak disguised as humor
Why I Deserve Better
*???
Clearly, the real Boo and the Boo I make myself sick over are not really the same person. That’s not fair to him. That’s not fair to me.
So why do I continue to cling so desperately to my delusion of “SuperBoo” and to my efforts to forge a romantic relationship with him?
Why Do I Continue To Fight To Keep It Alive?
*I’m desperate for male approval.
*I need to know that I am desirable and lovable.
*I don’t want to be alone.
*He’s my only option. He’s the only straight, single man in my life.
*I need to win, not fail.
*I can’t stop believing I can make him love me if I say and do the right things.
*I need to prove that I can “do anything I put my mind to.”
*I can’t accept that I can’t control him or the relationship.
*I want to fix him and heal his emotionally broken places.
*I want him to cherish me for fixing him and showing him how to love again.
*Letting my hopes for SuperBoo go means giving up on the hope for love, acceptance and companionship.
*If I stop looking at him, I have to look at me.
*I have no intrinsic identity.
*If I stop chasing this, I don’t have anything else to concentrate on.
*I have no other goals or dreams or desires for my life. (Sadly, I’m serious.)
The self-identity piece of this fascinates me. Boo is not the first man who I’ve gotten super-crazy about like this. First of all, I didn’t date growing up. I had a boyfriend for two weeks in 9th grade and then a couple of short term boyfriends in college. And then I got married when I was 25. So I never practiced relationships. I’ve always been so desperate for them that I clamp on like a bear trap as soon as a possibility arises, and my hopes shoot through the roof. That’s the biggest problem. I can NOT control my expectations. And inevitably the disappointment CRUSHES me. I can’t just brush it off and let it go.
But none of this started happening until I started graduate school. I got there and it turned out I WASN’T the smartest person who ever lived. I was out of identities. So I started looking for a man to define me – to put the socially-acceptable stamp of approval on me. I didn’t know how or who to be without an extrinsic label. I still don’t
So Who Am I Now?
*Not an athlete
*Not a scholar
*Not a runner
So Who Am I Inside?
*???
So What Does That Mean I WANT To Be?
*Someone’s girlfriend so I can prove to the world that I’m straight, loveable, and OK being me.
*Someone’s girlfriend so I can be protected and appreciated and loved.
What I Probably Need To Be
*Alone until I learn to define myself without a man, and learn to know who I actually am inside and not just as defined by the things on the outside – the things I do or wear or how I cut my hair. (I don’t wanna! *sniff!*)
*A woman learning who she is and why she’s OK.
*A woman who likes herself without needing any external approval to do so.
*A student (literally) of casual dating who doesn’t lose her emotional shit over one dinner.
And so here is the stupid postscript to all this. How do I deal with my ongoing relationship with real Boo in light of these admissions and realizations? Is there a way I can step back and start over again looking at him with new eyes? Can I unravel these emotional ties I’ve woven? Will any kind of relationship with him continue to bring me grief and disappointment? Can I ever get to a place where we can just be friends without me wanting him and feeling jealousy and hurt? I’m just not sure what to do. I don’t want to cut ties with him. But is that just a symptom of the problem at hand?
Hahahahaha! I can’t believe this is a song!
The Valley
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death…
Psalm 23:4
And one day your vision will have narrowed to a pinhole. Your heart will weep. There will be fire in your brain and a roar in your ears.
You will lean far over the balcony rail. You will fashion a noose.
But you will wait. And you will hate yourself for it.
The next day you will wake and eat a cinnamon roll. And for no reason, life will make sense again.
You will vacuum. You will take a shower.
Then, unexpectedly, a tractor trailer will pull up outside and carry you out of town. And you will love yourself for it.
Wait for it.
Links of the Week – April 10, 2015
Bike lane – Roberto Clemente Bridge – Pittsburgh
* Study: People Who Love Grilled Cheese Have More Sex, Are More Charitable
* This Dog Was Adopted After Five Years Of Waiting When His Photo Went Crazy On Facebook
* Longtime Couple Found That Clothes Didn’t Make The Man
* Gay Boy Scout Leader Hired In New York: “We said yes to him irrespective of his sexual orientation”
* White House Says It Supports Efforts To Ban Gay Conversion Therapy
* Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide
* Now Who’s The Moral Majority?
How I feel this week. Thanks, pollen!
* If Single People Honestly Updated Their Facebook
* Everybody Hit Somebody – (A season with the Carolina Phoenix women’s football team)
* Houston Astros Sweater – (Gorgeous!)
* Philadelphia Phillies 1915-1919 Cap – (This will be mine. Oh yes!)
* John Hart May Never Make A Better Trade – (See ya’, Melvin!)
* Reeses Chocolate Peanut Butter Tart
* FLOTUS Michelle Obama Says Malia And Sasha Are Not Influential And I Love It
* We Need Star Trek Back On TV
* Shout Out To T’Pring’s Hairdo
* When My Friend Is Obsessing Over Her Crush Even Though He Clearly Doesn’t Like Her
* Obsessed
* Seven Big Signs You May Be Too Clingy
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“I’ve come to realize that what I always thought was my feeling of falling in love, feels very much like my feeling of anxiety.”
– Deanna Dennis
“[Y]our life is yours and no one else’s.”
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It’s Good To Be Accepted
My grandmother asked me at lunch if it’s the new style to cut your hair like a man.
Happy Easter!
Sigh.
Links of the Week – April 3, 2015
* Shatner Pays Tribute To Nimoy
* Astros Unveil The Eat-On-The-Go Chicken And Waffle Cone
* We Need A Middle Class President
* 5 Charts That Show How The Middle Class Is Disappearing
* Can We Guess What Your Reading Habits Say About Your Love Life? – (Mine was FRIGHTENINGLY correct.)
* How Old Do You Actually Act? – (I got 5-years-old. *sigh*)
* What My Zodiac Sign Says About Me – (Again, correct.)
* “I Thought I Was Bipolar” Shirt – (Need)
* PostSecret: I Feel Like A Hostage
* Monkey Meets Puppies For The First Time, Wants To Snuggle Them As Badly As Anyone Else – (Ow! My heart just exploded!)
* Tim Cook: Pro-Discrimination ‘Religious Freedom’ Laws Are Dangerous
* Moist Chocolate Cupcakes with Ganache Filling – (Proof that God loves us. He’d love me more if he’d magic these to my house.)
* The Problem With Cars And Self-Absorption
* The Spirit Of Atlanta: A Quest For Context Of 1920’s Atlanta – (Awesome old pictures of the city!)
* The Scandal Of A Crucified God (A Good Friday Reflection)
* The Importance Of Doubt (A Holy Saturday Reflection)
* When The Right To Discriminate Collides With The Rites Of Holy Week
* The Right’s Made Up God: How Bigots Created A White Supremacist Jesus
* How ‘One Nation’ Didn’t Become ‘Under God’ Until The 50s Religious Revival – (My favorite read of the week!)
* You Don’t Have To Go To Work On Opening Day Because The Brewers Wrote You An Excuse Note
* Watch Guys Attempt To Explain How Periods Work – (Hysterical. And a little sad. 🙂 )
* What The Hell Is That Tribble Doing?
* Rape Suspect Had Burns At Court Appearance – (I would get on a plane right now, given the opportunity, and go to Ohio and beat this fucker to death with my double wall Miken. PLEASE let me do it!)
* Transgender Elders Show Us The Meaning Of Survival
* ‘Child Abuse’ For A Girl To Dress Like A Boy? – (Sigh…)
* Man Thinking About Just Packing Up And Making Exact Same Mistakes Someplace Far Away
* What To Do When You Hate Yourself
* It’s All About Falling In Love With Yourself…
* The Girl Who Struck Out Babe Ruth And Lou Gehrig
* Girls Baseball Team Wins Championship At Boys’ Tournament – (Not just a little local tournament, a USSSA NATIONAL tournament!)
* Menswear Dog: The Most Stylish Dog In The World – (THIS! Blog of the Week!!!)
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“And when she is done, she will head for town, center, she will board the first bus she sees. Find a seat by a window, ride to the end of town.
And then? She stops. She does not know. She has not thought this part through. But it occurs to her then she can just keep on riding. It is possible, yes. She will just stay on the bus and ride. To some other place, some other town. She will look for it out all the windows. And when she sees it at last, she will know.”
– Some Other Town, Elizabeth Collison
“Death will get us all. Moreover, astrophysicists tell us, even the earth and the solar system will one day be destroyed as the sun explodes in its dying gasp. On a more finite level, life is filled with threats to our existence: accidents, disease, violence, unemployment, poverty. Life easily looks threatening.
If we do see reality this way, how will we respond to life? In a word, defensively. We will seek to build systems of security and self-protection to fend off the hostile powers as long as possible.”
– The Heart of Christianity, Marcus J. Borg
“It’s less embarrassing for people to think I look stupid when I intentionally look like a boy, than for them to think I look stupid when I’m trying my best to actually look like a woman.”
“I am also learning how to feel. I’m learning that it can be safe to experience emotions. Running away – literally and figuratively – only temporarily removed me from the pain I was feeling. In order to exercise in a healthy way, I had to learn how to feel without searching for a way to self-destruct. It’s been a massive struggle to learn to accept myself. I’ve had to work to believe that I am OK exactly the way that I am, that nothing needs to be ‘beaten’ out of me.”
– Kenzi Rome, http://twloha.com/blog/making-my-workouts-work-me
“[L]ook more closely at the hard things in life: They’re trying to tell you something if you’ll listen.”
– Tomboy, Liz Prince
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I Am A Whore
Today would’ve been my 20th wedding anniversary.
But I cheated on my husband and left him for another man.
A man who left me high and dry and alone.
Everything in my life since then has been shit.
Most of the time I think the reason is because God’s punishing me.
How did I turn into somebody I don’t even know?
No One Likes A Bipolar Clown
“Well kids, I want you to go to your parents’ medicine cabinet and find all the pills labeled “Lithium Dibromide” and send them to me – NOW! No one likes a bipolar clown!”
– Krusty the Clown, The Simpsons
Straight Genderqueer Woman
I very specifically titled this blog “Straight Genderqueer Woman” because when I try to find people who might be like me, Google only comes up with this stuff. But I KNOW I can’t be alone. I am a unique, precious, ass-kicking flower. But it can’t be because I’m the only straight, genderqueer, woman in the world. (Born female sexed. Does this make me cis-gendered genderqueer? So confusing!) So I’m floating this out there to let other straight women out there who are challenging gender roles know they’re not alone.
I’m actually uncomfortable sometimes describing myself as “genderqueer.” I don’t want to co-opt a descriptor that’s not accurate and offend somebody. I really feel like it’s society’s expectations of how I should look and behave as a woman to be what is queer. That’s really the challenge I wrestle with the most in my head.
I struggle with the dichotomy between how I want to look and act, and how I think I have to look and act to attract men. So often this makes me think I’m doing something wrong, or am a broken woman or not a good enough woman.
But on the genderqueer side, I do remember feeling for a long time earlier in my life that I wasn’t a man or a woman. I didn’t even know that was a THING people could feel. It didn’t disturb me. It was just who I was.
I don’t feel that as greatly now, but I will tell you that when I look at women who are dressed very femininely, in short skirts and high heels, I don’t feel like I have anything in common with them gender-wise. (I also find myself thinking they’re stupid for dressing that way and I get angry at them. But it’s OK. I’m sure that’s something my therapist and I will get into….)
So whatever labels you paste on me, (’cause lawd knows I struggle to use the politically correct, culturally sensitive ones) just know that I’m me. I’m Deanna. And I’m trying to feel like that’s OK.
And know, that no matter what the internet says, if you are a woman who wants to look androgynous or like “a guy” and you’re into men, you’re OK too. And you’re not alone.
And guys, if you’re into this kind of thing, you’re single, you have a job, you’re kind, and you shower regularly, hit me up!
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Also, my “Gender Roles Are Dead” sweatshirt is available from FLAVNT!
A Long Run 
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