Unpacking Boo
Clearly the time has come to work through all the issues surrounding my “relationship” with Boo. No one should absolutely lose their shit because somebody they work with is moving to a job across town. But my shit I did lose. The very real, desperate pain I felt over the weekend was incredibly out of proportion to the actual event.
I have to figure out why this has such a hold of me – why I can’t let it go. I can’t allow this delusion to continue to control my life, obsess me, and craze me. I think the easiest way to work through it is with some lists with occasional narrative thrown in for explanation.
Who Is Mythical Boo?
*Emotionally available
*Caring
*Attentive
*Sensitive
*Committed
*Accepts me
*There when I need him
*Open
Who Is Real Boo? – The Good
*Funny
*Sweet
*Inquisitive
*Handsome
*Sexy
*Manly
*Best first date EVER!
*Never completely lets me go (no matter what dumb shit I do)
*My friend?
Who Is Real Boo? – The Bad
*Emotionally unavailable
*Wrapped up in his work
*Undependable
*Not there when I need him
*Never completely lets me go
*Closed off
*Coming out of a BAD divorce
*Mean streak disguised as humor
Why I Deserve Better
*???
Clearly, the real Boo and the Boo I make myself sick over are not really the same person. That’s not fair to him. That’s not fair to me.
So why do I continue to cling so desperately to my delusion of “SuperBoo” and to my efforts to forge a romantic relationship with him?
Why Do I Continue To Fight To Keep It Alive?
*I’m desperate for male approval.
*I need to know that I am desirable and lovable.
*I don’t want to be alone.
*He’s my only option. He’s the only straight, single man in my life.
*I need to win, not fail.
*I can’t stop believing I can make him love me if I say and do the right things.
*I need to prove that I can “do anything I put my mind to.”
*I can’t accept that I can’t control him or the relationship.
*I want to fix him and heal his emotionally broken places.
*I want him to cherish me for fixing him and showing him how to love again.
*Letting my hopes for SuperBoo go means giving up on the hope for love, acceptance and companionship.
*If I stop looking at him, I have to look at me.
*I have no intrinsic identity.
*If I stop chasing this, I don’t have anything else to concentrate on.
*I have no other goals or dreams or desires for my life. (Sadly, I’m serious.)
The self-identity piece of this fascinates me. Boo is not the first man who I’ve gotten super-crazy about like this. First of all, I didn’t date growing up. I had a boyfriend for two weeks in 9th grade and then a couple of short term boyfriends in college. And then I got married when I was 25. So I never practiced relationships. I’ve always been so desperate for them that I clamp on like a bear trap as soon as a possibility arises, and my hopes shoot through the roof. That’s the biggest problem. I can NOT control my expectations. And inevitably the disappointment CRUSHES me. I can’t just brush it off and let it go.
But none of this started happening until I started graduate school. I got there and it turned out I WASN’T the smartest person who ever lived. I was out of identities. So I started looking for a man to define me – to put the socially-acceptable stamp of approval on me. I didn’t know how or who to be without an extrinsic label. I still don’t
So Who Am I Now?
*Not an athlete
*Not a scholar
*Not a runner
So Who Am I Inside?
*???
So What Does That Mean I WANT To Be?
*Someone’s girlfriend so I can prove to the world that I’m straight, loveable, and OK being me.
*Someone’s girlfriend so I can be protected and appreciated and loved.
What I Probably Need To Be
*Alone until I learn to define myself without a man, and learn to know who I actually am inside and not just as defined by the things on the outside – the things I do or wear or how I cut my hair. (I don’t wanna! *sniff!*)
*A woman learning who she is and why she’s OK.
*A woman who likes herself without needing any external approval to do so.
*A student (literally) of casual dating who doesn’t lose her emotional shit over one dinner.
And so here is the stupid postscript to all this. How do I deal with my ongoing relationship with real Boo in light of these admissions and realizations? Is there a way I can step back and start over again looking at him with new eyes? Can I unravel these emotional ties I’ve woven? Will any kind of relationship with him continue to bring me grief and disappointment? Can I ever get to a place where we can just be friends without me wanting him and feeling jealousy and hurt? I’m just not sure what to do. I don’t want to cut ties with him. But is that just a symptom of the problem at hand?
Hahahahaha! I can’t believe this is a song!
Links of the Week – April 10, 2015
Bike lane – Roberto Clemente Bridge – Pittsburgh
* Study: People Who Love Grilled Cheese Have More Sex, Are More Charitable
* This Dog Was Adopted After Five Years Of Waiting When His Photo Went Crazy On Facebook
* Longtime Couple Found That Clothes Didn’t Make The Man
* Gay Boy Scout Leader Hired In New York: “We said yes to him irrespective of his sexual orientation”
* White House Says It Supports Efforts To Ban Gay Conversion Therapy
* Gay Conversion Therapists Claim Most Patients Fully Straight By The Time They Commit Suicide
* Now Who’s The Moral Majority?
How I feel this week. Thanks, pollen!
* If Single People Honestly Updated Their Facebook
* Everybody Hit Somebody – (A season with the Carolina Phoenix women’s football team)
* Houston Astros Sweater – (Gorgeous!)
* Philadelphia Phillies 1915-1919 Cap – (This will be mine. Oh yes!)
* John Hart May Never Make A Better Trade – (See ya’, Melvin!)
* Reeses Chocolate Peanut Butter Tart
* FLOTUS Michelle Obama Says Malia And Sasha Are Not Influential And I Love It
* We Need Star Trek Back On TV
* Shout Out To T’Pring’s Hairdo
* When My Friend Is Obsessing Over Her Crush Even Though He Clearly Doesn’t Like Her
* Obsessed
* Seven Big Signs You May Be Too Clingy
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“I’ve come to realize that what I always thought was my feeling of falling in love, feels very much like my feeling of anxiety.”
– Deanna Dennis
“[Y]our life is yours and no one else’s.”
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Links of the Week – April 3, 2015
* Shatner Pays Tribute To Nimoy
* Astros Unveil The Eat-On-The-Go Chicken And Waffle Cone
* We Need A Middle Class President
* 5 Charts That Show How The Middle Class Is Disappearing
* Can We Guess What Your Reading Habits Say About Your Love Life? – (Mine was FRIGHTENINGLY correct.)
* How Old Do You Actually Act? – (I got 5-years-old. *sigh*)
* What My Zodiac Sign Says About Me – (Again, correct.)
* “I Thought I Was Bipolar” Shirt – (Need)
* PostSecret: I Feel Like A Hostage
* Monkey Meets Puppies For The First Time, Wants To Snuggle Them As Badly As Anyone Else – (Ow! My heart just exploded!)
* Tim Cook: Pro-Discrimination ‘Religious Freedom’ Laws Are Dangerous
* Moist Chocolate Cupcakes with Ganache Filling – (Proof that God loves us. He’d love me more if he’d magic these to my house.)
* The Problem With Cars And Self-Absorption
* The Spirit Of Atlanta: A Quest For Context Of 1920’s Atlanta – (Awesome old pictures of the city!)
* The Scandal Of A Crucified God (A Good Friday Reflection)
* The Importance Of Doubt (A Holy Saturday Reflection)
* When The Right To Discriminate Collides With The Rites Of Holy Week
* The Right’s Made Up God: How Bigots Created A White Supremacist Jesus
* How ‘One Nation’ Didn’t Become ‘Under God’ Until The 50s Religious Revival – (My favorite read of the week!)
* You Don’t Have To Go To Work On Opening Day Because The Brewers Wrote You An Excuse Note
* Watch Guys Attempt To Explain How Periods Work – (Hysterical. And a little sad. 🙂 )
* What The Hell Is That Tribble Doing?
* Rape Suspect Had Burns At Court Appearance – (I would get on a plane right now, given the opportunity, and go to Ohio and beat this fucker to death with my double wall Miken. PLEASE let me do it!)
* Transgender Elders Show Us The Meaning Of Survival
* ‘Child Abuse’ For A Girl To Dress Like A Boy? – (Sigh…)
* Man Thinking About Just Packing Up And Making Exact Same Mistakes Someplace Far Away
* What To Do When You Hate Yourself
* It’s All About Falling In Love With Yourself…
* The Girl Who Struck Out Babe Ruth And Lou Gehrig
* Girls Baseball Team Wins Championship At Boys’ Tournament – (Not just a little local tournament, a USSSA NATIONAL tournament!)
* Menswear Dog: The Most Stylish Dog In The World – (THIS! Blog of the Week!!!)
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“And when she is done, she will head for town, center, she will board the first bus she sees. Find a seat by a window, ride to the end of town.
And then? She stops. She does not know. She has not thought this part through. But it occurs to her then she can just keep on riding. It is possible, yes. She will just stay on the bus and ride. To some other place, some other town. She will look for it out all the windows. And when she sees it at last, she will know.”
– Some Other Town, Elizabeth Collison
“Death will get us all. Moreover, astrophysicists tell us, even the earth and the solar system will one day be destroyed as the sun explodes in its dying gasp. On a more finite level, life is filled with threats to our existence: accidents, disease, violence, unemployment, poverty. Life easily looks threatening.
If we do see reality this way, how will we respond to life? In a word, defensively. We will seek to build systems of security and self-protection to fend off the hostile powers as long as possible.”
– The Heart of Christianity, Marcus J. Borg
“It’s less embarrassing for people to think I look stupid when I intentionally look like a boy, than for them to think I look stupid when I’m trying my best to actually look like a woman.”
“I am also learning how to feel. I’m learning that it can be safe to experience emotions. Running away – literally and figuratively – only temporarily removed me from the pain I was feeling. In order to exercise in a healthy way, I had to learn how to feel without searching for a way to self-destruct. It’s been a massive struggle to learn to accept myself. I’ve had to work to believe that I am OK exactly the way that I am, that nothing needs to be ‘beaten’ out of me.”
– Kenzi Rome, http://twloha.com/blog/making-my-workouts-work-me
“[L]ook more closely at the hard things in life: They’re trying to tell you something if you’ll listen.”
– Tomboy, Liz Prince
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If I Died…
I often fantasize that when I die, my spirit will stay here long enough and be omniscient enough to know how people react and feel. I’d like to see my own funeral like Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn.
First one and then another pair of eyes followed the minister’s, and then almost with one impulse the congregation rose and stared while the three dead boys came marching up the aisle, Tom in the lead, Joe next, and Huck, a ruin of drooping rags, sneaking sheepishly in the rear! They had been hid in the unused gallery listening to their own funeral sermon!
– The Adventures of Tom Sawyer, Mark Twain
Don’t worry. This isn’t a cry for help.
But I wonder about particular people. Would he be sorry? Would he miss me? What would he think? (It’s him I think about and wonder about the most. It’s a sickness.)
Would she come all these miles for my funeral? Would she be able to go on?
What would my funeral be like? I know where I want it to be and who I want to do it. I know what I want done with my body. Would those things happen?
What would people say at my funeral? Who would stand up and tell stories about me? How many people would be there? (Who would run sound? 😀 )
How long would people remember me?
Who would remember me?
Why would they remember me?
Links of the Week – March 27, 2015
* A Beautiful Sunrise Over A Bacon Landscape
* Even In Defeat, Georgia State Was A Winner
* Pope Francis Receives Pizza Delivery – To Pope Mobile
* PostSecret: What Might Have Been
* Man Has Carefully Calculated Timeline For Revealing Negative Personality Traits To New Girlfriend
* Rainy Day Street Art – (I love this so much!)
* Neustetter’s ‘Light Experiences’ Illuminate Night – (So beautiful!!!)
* Emory’s Women’s Swim And Dive Wins NCAA Div-III National Championship – (Six in a row!)
* What Does It Mean To Wear Heels?
* Why Men Are Smarter Than Women – (Provocative, but I agree!)
* NASA’s Opportunity Rover Celebrates Mars Marathon Milestone
* “Raising Ryland”: Parenting A Young Transgender Child – (A wonderful short film from CNN Films…)
* The Transgender Life: What To Know, Say, And Understand
* Capitol Police To Congress: No More Drunken 4th of July Parties – (But our congresspeople CAN’T find the time to read legislation before they vote on it. Wankers.)
* Famous Atheists And Their Beliefs
* Ricky Gervais: Why I’m An Atheist
* Mo’ne Davis Asks College To Give Baseball Player Second Shot – (I want to give him a second shot – in the head. What in the world makes a college-aged man think it’s OK to call an 11-year-old girl (or any female) a slut? Men? What is your major malfunction with women?)
* 10 Stereotypes To Stop Spreading About Women
* Paw Prints On Your Food – (Dawwwwwww!)
* When You Finally Find Out Who’s A Good Boy – ( ❤ ❤ ❤ )
* Bullshit Bill With Bullshit Title Bullshitted About By Bullshitters
* Local Idiot Looking For St. Patrick’s Day Bar That Isn’t “Full Of Idiots” – (Perfect.)
* Microsoft CEO Announces He Can Be Mostly Gay By Q2 2015
* Becoming A Better Man: The Single Greatest Moment Of My Life – (Blog post of the week!
* The Greatest Lenten Pun EVAH!
* Cadbury Creme Egg Season Is Here Again At Last
* Insult To Injury: America’s Vanishing Worker Protections – (This is what happens when people stop supporting unions. I promise you, this will continue to get worse.)
* 4 Scientifically Proven Ways To Be A Better Spouse
* Lemond – Missing-Ear Kitty Becomes A Furkid – (Adopt a pet today! They love you so much!)
* Alcoholics Anonymous, Mr. Spock And the Lighthouse
* Spaghetti Toes: If Love Was Measured In Weight… – ( ❤ ❤ ❤ )
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“Lisa, I apologize to you, I was wrong, I take it all back. Always be yourself. If you want to be sad, honey, be sad. We’ll ride it out with you. And when you get finished feeling sad, we’ll still be there. From now on, let me do the smiling for both of us.”
– Marge, “The Simpsons,” Moaning Lisa
“Which is a funny thing about boyfriends, I’ve noticed. they too often don’t know about you and jump to unwarranted conclusions. That for instance it was love, a mate you were after, when you really just needed someone to talk to.”
– Elizabeth Collison, Some Other Town
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For Me
I wonder if hair is sort of like the rings of cut trees. Does it hold the memories of its days? Can it retain the residue of warm, cozy diner breakfasts and awkward sleepovers, of disappointments and poor choices, of hurt feelings and unrequited desires?
Every time I grow my hair long it’s to try to prove to a man I’m feminine enough to be desirable. Love me! Love me! Love me! My desire for him overwhelms and obsesses me, but his desire for me is fleeting at best. Why do I even think that my hair will make a difference. I’m always me either way.
Every time I cut my hair off it’s because I’m done trying, because I’m just tired of fighting the fight, with my hair and for a man. Those other memories need to just go away.
This is for me.
Links of the Week – February 6, 2015
* 21 Of The Universe’s Greatest Unsolved Mysteries
* 10 Reasons Christian Heaven Would Actually Be Hell
* The Super Bowl Was A Win For Feminism
* PostSecret: Gyrating – (Me too.)
* Bakerella: Groundhog Day Cupcakes – (Adorable!)
* Cats Are Looking For Love Online
* Julia: The…Ambivalent Samaritan
* The Fire On The 57 Bus In Oakland
* The Pioneer Woman: Knock You Naked Brownies
* The Pioneer Woman: Queso Fundido – (Lawdy mercy!)
* Brace Yourselves For The Andrew Jones MLB Comeback Story You’ve Always Wanted
* Man Brings Lunch From Home To Cut Down On Small Joys
* Pain And Suffering At Life’s End Getting Worse Not Better
* Why Cambodians Never Get ‘Depressed’ – (“the water in my heart has fallen”)
* Bitch Hoodie – (To wear to all my church committee meetings…)
* Scribbles & Crumbs: We’re All Messy People
* “Inspiration Porn Is Not OK”: Disability Activists Are Not Impressed With Feel-Good Super Bowl Ads
* delicious days: Green Onion Pancakes
* Serious Eats: How to Make Salted Dulce de Leche Brownies – (Here it comes!)
* The Gold Lining Girl: Buckeye Graham Crackers
* Woman Has Few Enough Friends To Consider Confiding In Sister
* Study Links Binge-Watching TV To Depression
* Sometimes I Feel Like Things Would Be Better Off If I Never Existed
* “Good” Children – At What Cost? The Secret Cost Of Shame
* Shame: The Disowned Part Of Self
* O Shame, Where Is Thy Secret Source?
* A Womanonymous: Day 1, part III – (She’s telling my life here.)
* A Womanonymous: Day 3, Three – Signals and voices – (And here too…)
* Self-Injurers And Their Common Personality Traits
* Some People Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Say The Grace When It’s Time To Eat – (Hysterical!)
* Hawks Starting Five Named NBA “Player” Of The Month
* 13 Habits Of Exceptionally Likeable People – (Uh. I think I do less than half of these. Maybe I’m not as likeable as I thought.)
One Minute Maudlin Poetry
I was going to fix you.
Give you so much of me that it would patch your broken heart.
You’d be so grateful, you would fall in love with me.
And that would fix me.
But you’re still broken.
I’m still alone.
And you don’t even notice I’m gone.
Maybe I’m the only one who was broken after all.
(edited 2/6/15)
Have Yourself An Anxious Little Christmas
I just want to share how much more manageable my holiday anxiety has been this year – probably better than it’s been in about 15 years. I’m sure being on Paxil for a year has helped a lot, and the realizations I had last month about my expectations for the holidays seem to have made a big difference as well.
Staying busy helps too. Frankly, I was so depressed last Christmas that it was hard for me to get off the couch and do anything. That doesn’t help my blues at all. I think the Lamotrigene prescription has helped here. It’s a mood stabilizer that’s made my highs lower and my lows higher. Not getting so low that I can’t function makes it easier to do the things that keep me from being so blue and anxious.
Being ABLE to be busier has helped so much. I was busy training and racing until the first week of December ended. I’ve been running sound for almost all the Sunday services and the Christmas cantata this month. I’ve also done a couple of funerals and a wedding.
I went to a ridiculous Christmas party for the church youth group last weekend where we played Dance Central 3 and the adults spent way too much time huddled in a corner laughing and playing with Poo Dough.
Then I drove five teenagers home from the party. They listened to the Classic Hip Hop channel on Sirius and marveled at songs they’d never heard before – songs from 1994 – before they were born…. (Seriously?) And they wrote profound Christmas wishes like “Poop” in the fog on my windows. Good times.
Just being with people, staying busy and laughing (the opposite of what you want to do when you’re depressed) makes such a big difference in how I feel. I think the mood stabilizer keeps me above that low end threshold that makes it hard to care if I’m taking care of myself or even to do it even when I want to.
I usually try to take some time off running at this time of year to let my body rest and heal some, but that time off is really bad timing for my anxiety. Even after my busy weekend, I was feeling the holiday squinkiness sneak in last Sunday night. But I did something I wasn’t able to do last year, I made myself get up early before work on Monday morning and run because I knew it would help. (And it did.) I knew it would help last year too, but I couldn’t get myself to do it.
I’ve also been wrestling with my feelings for Boo for the last couple of years. When I was in the depths of my depression last year, I got to the point where I couldn’t feel anything at all. When I started coming out of that, I had feelings again, but I had trouble figuring out exactly what those feelings were and what they were about.
I feel like I’ve about sorted all that out. For the last year I’ve assumed any bad feeling I have is sadness and unrequited love about that relationship. And so if I felt something bad, I thought it was about Boo, which made me think too hard and too much about Boo, which made me feel bad, which made me think too hard and too much about Boo, which made me feel bad….
But I had a big moment in therapy back in the spring when I realized that what I have always thought was the feeling I experience of “being in love” is very much the same feeling I have when I’m feeling anxiety. (This may be an important realization…. *snork*)
I still haven’t figured out why I feel like it’s so important to me to hang on to Boo. He’s never really done much to reciprocate those feelings I have for him. But there’s obviously something deep-seated in my need to hang onto him in some fashion and in the fears I have of letting my hopes for us go.
I wrote in a recent post that I wished “I had the courage to give up.”
For me, having the courage to let things go means being brave enough to stand on my own without having to use things and people as crutches, without having to try and control the outcome of every single thing in my life. I’m starting to feel like I’m strong enough to try and begin letting the Boo thing go.
I need to believe and trust that it’s the healthiest thing I can do. The Mr. Spock part of me knows that’s true. The disgusting, weak, clingy, needy, girly part of me is still afraid. That makes me a little anxious.
But that’s OK. I am better. And this Christmas is better – even when the anxiety still creeps in.
All I know is that I have my running clothes sitting out for tomorrow morning. I will run. I will breathe. I will calm my mind. I will keep getting better. I will keep getting stronger. And maybe one day I’ll even find something to value in the weak, clingy, needy, girly part of me.
And to you, I hope if you’re depressed or anxious or lonely or scared this Christmas, that you’ll know you’re not alone. Love is all around you, even when it doesn’t seem like it. Just keep slogging through and know that it won’t always be like this. We’ll hold each other up until then.
Much love, friends!
Links of the Week – December 19, 2014
* What Should We Call Me: New Year’s Eve
* 5 Things Women Wish Men Knew About Sex
* 6 True Stories That Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity
* 26 People Who Redefined Relationship Goals In 2014
* A Copper Bedrail Could Cut Back On Infections For Hospital Patients
* Arthur Blank Recognizes Historic Football Moment
* Belly Watch: All I Want For Christmas – (Sniff!)
* TCM Christmas Classics Schedule
* I Might Need A Nap: Come Sit By Me – (Come share my light.)
* Could You Possibly Get A High School Diploma Now? – (See if you can pass this quiz!)
* This Is Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You
* Here Are The 2014 Star Wars Snowflake Patterns You’re Looking For – (Awesomesauce!)
* Scribbles & Crumbs: hope through the hopeless – (It’s not the hap-happiest season of all…)
* eBay: Mickey Mantle Holiday Inn-Joplin Hotel Ash Tray – (Cool!)
* Handwritten Family Recipes Reprinted On Tea Towels – (Dawwwww!)
* Pirates Plan To Blend In With Scenery In New Alternate Camoflauge Jerseys – (Perfect!)
* Rosetta Fuels Debate On Origin Of Earth’s Oceans
* Take A Long Break With Lil Bub’s New Relaxing Video
* What We Learned About Love – (Annnnnnd she writes my life…)
* Why Nice People Cling To Bad Boys (Or Girls)
* Where Does Loneliness Come From – ❤ ❤ ❤
* Learning To Let Go Of Past Hurts – 5 Ways To Move On
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Rounders, rounders
Children in the meadow
Finders, keepers
Trees are turning yellow
Heads-up, catcall
Crows in the reservoir
Jetstream, satellite
Maybe it’s the North Star
And it feels like coming home
Yeah it tingles on my skin
And it feels like coming home
It’s your love that draws me in
Left turn, subway
Blow it in their faces
Raise me up,
Undo my laces
Touch screen, paperback
Making tracks to meet you
Fur lined Anorak
Running cause it feels good
And you feel like coming home
Yeah you tingle on my skin
And you feel like coming home
It’s your love that draws me in
Home is where your heart meets mine
Home is where your heart meets mine
Home is where your heart meets mine
And you feel like coming home
Yeah you tingle on my skin
And it feels like coming home
Yeah, it tingles on my skin
And you feel like coming home
It’s your love that draws me in
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A Long Run 
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