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Links of the Week – March 20, 2015

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* The End Of White Christian America Is Nigh: Why The Country’s Youth Are Abandoning Religious Conservatism

* Justice System to 13-Year-Old Girl: It’s Not Rape Because You Have Curves – (Women, if you’re not enraged yet, you’re not paying attention.)

* Cops On An 11-Year-Old Who Says She Was Raped: “Child’s Promiscuous Behavior Caused This”

* Pope Francis’s Pledge Of Zero Tolerance For Child Abusers Being Tested In Chile

* Alpha Males And Sexual Abuse Of Women

* Understanding Abusers: There Is No Stereotype For Offenders

* “I Am Called A Whore”: Ashley Judd Unloads On The Internet’s Grossest Trolls

* “Son Of A Bitch!” Jon Stewart Hammers “Disingenuous” GOP And “Dumb-Ass” Dems Over Anti-Sex Trafficking Fiasco – (As he should. Fuckers.)

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* National Organization Of Women – (Stand up for women! God doesn’t seem to be helping.)

* Put A Woman On The $20!

* Behold The Unexpected Awesomeness Of The Taco Doughnut

* Racist Oklahoma Video A Sign Of Regression In Race Relations In America

* Millennials Are More Racist Than They Think

* PostSecret: If Jesus Were Here – (He does…)

* PostSecret: Babar

* Find A Death: The Death Of Jeanine Deckers: The Singing Nun – (“It took fourteen years for Jeannine to give up the ‘friend’ thing and sip from the furry cup and join the Order of the Practical Shoes.” And then I died! ūüėÄ )

* Find A Death: The Death of Greg Plitt – (Leg day! ūüėÄ )

* For When You Think That No One Will Ever Love You

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* Disenchanted With Losing, Andy Landers Calls It Quits After 36 Years Of Coaching The Lady Dogs – (A pioneer in women’s basketball, and the only Lady Dog coach I’ve ever known.)

* Psalm 37: How To Receive The Desires Of Your Heart – (As long as God decides it’s OK. And he doesn’t have anything better to do. And he really exists. Now does that really sound like granting the desires of MY heart? No. It does not.)

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* A Boy And Her Dog: Mail Is Not A Gender

* A Boy And Her Dog: Topless In The Locker Room

* A Womanonymous: Shock

* A Womanonymous: Wild Offering – (Post of the Week)

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* Black Bear Lodge Adventure Therapy – (I wonder how much this costs…)

* Workplace Suicide Rates Rise Sharply

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* 21 Harsh Truths No One Tells Teens

* 5 Reasons To Suspect That Jesus Never Existed

* Catcher David Ross’ Approach To Game Anything But Routine – (Oh, Rossy! My favorite!)

* Contributions Of David Ross Go Beyond The Numbers

* Joe Maddon Is Binge-Watching ‘The Office’ At Cubs’ Spring Training – (Oh, Joe! My favorite!)

* Largest Group Of U.S. Presbyterian Churches Allows Same-Sex Marriages – (OK, Methodists. We’re starting to look like backward-ass snake handlers now! Left behind, indeed!)

* From Patrick Stewart’s Birthday Party – (Can I get these guys to come to my birthday party?!?)

* When People Ask Me About My Job

* My Weekend Plans

* For The Bodybuilder/Weightlifter/Harry Potter Fan In Your Life

* Sheetcake Arrives At Banquet Saying “Stewardshit” – (Also, DAVID TENNANT!)

* Genderqueer Fashion

* Fuck Yeah, Androgyny!

* Fake Self-Help Books – (!!!)

* “Life’s Lil Pleasures” Mini Book – (The. BEST! ‚̧ ‚̧ ‚̧ )

* Nine Handy Curses Appropriate For Modern Life – (“May your coffee always be decaf.”)

* Creekside Cabin: Pet Friendly Cabin On The Creek – (It may be time to plan a vacation week…)

* You Can Now Anonymously Send A “Bag Of Dicks” To Your Enemies (Or Your Friends?)

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* Do Cats Dream?

* Awesomely Luvvie: “Pastor” Creflo Dollar Is Trying To Raise $65 Millon For A Plane

* Awesomely Luvvie: Dear Fellow Christians, About This Christ Crutch We Use To Justify Foolery…

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“Humans will always place our trust in things that will fail us. We will always insist on giving pieces of our heart to things that simply cannot love us back.”

– Nadia Bolz-Weber, “A Sermon On Addiction…”

“How come if you don’t give up on the person you love, the Hallmark Channel calls that ‘romance;” but on the Lifetime Network, if you don’t give up on the person you love, they call it ‘stalking?”’

Deanna Dennis

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Forgiveness

Reposted from a message board comment I made elsewhere¬†today…

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Van Gogh, Sorrow

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I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about the meaning of “forgiveness.” We talk about this as something we give to the person who has “harmed” us. “I forgive YOU.” But really I think we need to find another word to use because we’ve twisted the word “forgiveness” so badly.

The forgiveness and letting go we need as professional resenters and progressing healers isn’t really about letting the person off the hook and telling them it was OK. In some cases, it absolutely is NOT OK. (As in the case of my molestation throughout my childhood. I did NOT have a role to play in that. You didn’t have a role to play in your trauma either.)

But we need a word besides “forgiveness” that implies wiping the slate of your own heart clean of the pain and sadness and anger that memory still causes you.

Forgiveness isn’t really about the other person. Forgiveness is about freeing YOURSELF so you can live without the shackles that incident has placed on your life, on your ability to be proud and self-confident, on your ability to live your life without something you can’t control playing over and over in your mind and making your stomach and heart and brain grieve and ache and rage all the time.

That’s totally why I drank. It feels so much better to feel nothing than to feel all that sadness and pain.

But if you can find a way to let that shit go and also stop drinking, think of how light your brain and stomach and heart would be! That’s what we need.

(So let me know when you figure out how to do it!)

*Now we all join hands and perform our inspirational, synchronized dance routine to “Let It Go!”*

Links of the Week – March 6, 2015

* Scientists Designed Music For Cats, And It Is Pretty Beautiful – (Seriously. My cats perked up when I played it for them!)

* Uhura

* The Original Number One – (From the Trek pilot…. Gorgeous!)

* PostSecret: Capri Pants

* PostSecret: Angry Toaster Strudel

* Amalah: The Loss Of Spock – (Even children know the wonder of Trek…)

* CNN Apologizes For Putin “Jihadi John” Gaffe – (Snort! ūüėÄ )

* How Important You Are…

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* I Do Not Believe…

* Golden Girls Prayer Candles – (I have died.)

* Hyperbole and a Half: Sneaky Hate Spiral

* Gentlemen, your sons will grow up to become like you…

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* Julia: Hermit We Hardly Knew Ye – (Blog Post of the Week!)

* Fear And Love

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* Scarification Gallery – (Kinda scary. But kinda cool, too.)

* Wil Wheaton dot Net: Remembering Leonard Nimoy – (“Mister Spock made it okay for me to be the weird kid who eventually grew into a slightly-less weird adult…”)

* Boyfriend Plans Magical Evening Down To The First Detail

* Teacher Who Dedicates Her Life To Students ‘Total Fucking Bitch’

* EXPOSED: What Trans People Do In The Bathroom

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“My presence in my own life had become so tenuous, so half-hearted, that I had simply fallen through a tear in the flimsy fabric, slid into an alternate universe where only I existed, or conversely, where everyone existed but me. And it didn’t matter. I felt a sucking undertow, pulling me down: I had failed to engage, I had failed to connect; I had failed.”

In The Drink, Kate Christensen

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Biting The Poisoned Apple

I wonder how long she got to sleep.

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Links of the Week – February 27, 2015

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* 10 Ways To Be Her True Life Superhero

* How I Feel About My Responsibilities

* Christianity Without The Cross

* 24 Times Your Favorite Kids’ Cartoons Suddenly Got Really Deep

* Fun With Kirk And Spock – (WHY do I not own this book?)

* 27 Times Tumblr Used Art History Perfectly To Make A Point

* How We Talk About Our Teachers – (Turns out we use different descriptors depending on if they’re male or female)

* Star Trek Spock With Ears Socks

* The “Golden Years” Are Gone: Why Retirement Is Hell For Women – (Oh good. Something else to look forward to.)

* How Much I Was Distressed During “Fox and the Hound”

* Julia: Turn Turn Turn

* Game Day Program – Ohio State vs. Indiana – Thanksgiving Day 1903 – (So cool!)

* When I Hide In The Bathroom Stall Until I Hear My Coworker Leave So I Don’t Have To Make Small Talk With Them – (Every time.)

* Check Out Ambidextrous Pitcher Pat Vendittes’ Chthulu-Like Glove

* Adventure Time Oreo Necklaces

* Subway Riders Can Be Animals – (Awesome paintings!)

* You’re Not Happy Because You Never Learned To Be

* The Emory Wheel Editorial Board: Gender Neutral Pronouns Necessary For Inclusivity

* Just Let Them Kiss Already: Why Are TV Shows Are So Weird About Male Relationships?

* I Can Haz Cheezburger?: Extrovert vs. Introvert – (As illustrated by cats…)

* Why Each Sign Is Dangerous – (Scorpio)

* Stained Glass Backboards Are Completely Unnecessary And Beautiful

* 10 Things I Wish I Knew At The Beginning Of Sobriety

* 19 Anti-Social Motivational Posters That I Really Want To Hang In My Office

* Study: What Are The Most Addictive Foods? – (This is why I have frozen pizza six nights a week…)

* “My Mom Can Kick Your Ass” Kid’s T-Shirt

* After His Brother’s Suicide , Writer Seeks Comfort “In All The Wrong Places”

* Inflatable Toupee

* Get The Picture: Stubborn Is As Stubborn Does – (You can only do so much)

* 19 Pictures That Will Hurt Your Fragile Soul – (Owwwwwwwwwww!)

* The Refuge: A Healing Place – Depression

* The Center: A Place For Hope

* Photos: Evan Gattis The Astro

* Unlocking “The Woman Code”: 4 Tips To Know Your Value

* Unexpressed Emotions, Rage And Depression

* NASA Sees “Bright Spots” On Dwarf Planet In Our Solar System – ( OoO )

* This Wondrous Dutch Light Installation Mimics The Northern Lights – ( ‚̧ ‚̧ ‚̧ )

* A Tortured Soul, Josh Hamilton’s Battle Was Never Over

* To Boldly Go: Uhura

* GPS In Shoulder Pads: Vanderbilt Goes High Tech

* The Frisco RoughRiders Have Your New Favorite Presidential MiLB Logo – (Must have a cap with Big Head Teddy!)

* “I’m Scared” T-Shirt

* “Worthless” T-Shirt

* Reviewing My 2015 Goals Thusfar – (11 out of 26. Eh.)

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“As other girls prayed for handsomeness in a lover, or for wealth, or for power, or for poetry, she had prayed fervently: let him be kind.”

¬†– A Spy In The House Of Love,¬†Ana√Įs Nin

“I turned over in bed and listened to the traffic in the rain. A few cold, clear truths rose one by one through my consciousness like a flock of birds: I wasn’t even remotely worthy of William and I wasn’t ever going to have him; I’d asked my mother to lend me money and she’d said no; I’d given all the change to the cabdriver; no one was going to pay off my debts; no one would save me from myself. I fell asleep to the soft beating of wings in my head.”

 РIn The Drink, Kate Christensen

“One fine spring morning I awoke in my own bed alone, with an ache in every orifice and a memory of bending over on the Christopher Street Pier at four in the morning with my drawers around my ankles while John stood behind me, holding my hips. As I gripped a piling to keep from tumbling into the Hudson, I gazed down into the filthy water and thought gaily to myself, Well, here I am, and this is me.”

In The Drink, Kate Christensen

“Throughout these long afternoons outside with her, I was always conscious of being a speck at the bottom of a vast, ragged bowl of rock under the empty sky, buried in the silence and heat, surrounded by blank sand. The foothills, with their gray-green mesquite fur, rolled away to faraway mountains that sat sharp-spined on the horizon, unconnected to the valley floor, as if they’d been set down ready-made. The buttes and mesas to the west glowed deep red; veins of magenta and green spidered along rock formations shaped like tablets or giant hands, stacked in layers of cinnabar, crimson, brick. Masses of clouds echoed the rock shapes in their charcoal or ocher strata, wind-shaped crags so dense they looked mineral. The air was thick with the breath of sage and hot dust. At sunset the air hung low, striated like a weird plowed field of pigmented earth, backlighting the mountains with shirred, neon clouds, leaching all the color from the rocks, abstracting the bushes to dark cutouts. The wind moved like a huge hand through the valley, filling me with a restless, empty impatience I later identified as loneliness.”

In The Drink, Kate Christensen

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Links of the Week – February 6, 2015

* Big Papi Uses The Force

* 21 Of The Universe’s Greatest Unsolved Mysteries

* Growing Up Unvaccinated

* 10 Reasons Christian Heaven Would Actually Be Hell

* The Super Bowl Was A Win For Feminism

* PostSecret: Gyrating Р(Me too.)

* PostSecret: Hockey

* PostSecret: Helping

* Bakerella: Groundhog Day Cupcakes Р(Adorable!)

* Cats Are Looking For Love Online

* Julia: The…Ambivalent Samaritan

* The Fire On The 57 Bus In Oakland

* The Pioneer Woman: Knock You Naked Brownies

* The Pioneer Woman: Queso Fundido Р(Lawdy mercy!)

* Brace Yourselves For The Andrew Jones MLB Comeback Story You’ve Always Wanted

* Man Brings Lunch From Home To Cut Down On Small Joys

* Pain And Suffering At Life’s End Getting Worse Not Better

* Why Cambodians Never Get ‘Depressed’ – (“the water in my heart has fallen”)

* Ribcage Necklace

* Bitch Hoodie – (To wear to all my church committee meetings…)

* Scribbles & Crumbs: We’re All Messy People

* “Inspiration Porn Is Not OK”: Disability Activists Are Not Impressed With Feel-Good Super Bowl Ads

* delicious days: Green Onion Pancakes

* Serious Eats: How to Make Salted Dulce de Leche Brownies – (Here it comes!)

* The Gold Lining Girl: Buckeye Graham Crackers

* Woman Has Few Enough Friends To Consider Confiding In Sister

* Study Links Binge-Watching TV To Depression

* Sometimes I Feel Like Things Would Be Better Off If I Never Existed

* The Ice King

* “Good” Children – At What Cost? The Secret Cost Of Shame

* Shame: The Disowned Part Of Self

* O Shame, Where Is Thy Secret Source?

* A Womanonymous: Day 1, part III – (She’s telling my life here.)

* A Womanonymous: Day 3, Three – Signals and voices – (And here too…)

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* Cutting And Self-Harm

* Self-Injurers And Their Common Personality Traits

* Tree Trunks Plush

* Some People Shouldn’t Be Allowed To Say The Grace When It’s Time To Eat – (Hysterical!)

* Hawks Starting Five Named NBA “Player” Of The Month

* 13 Habits Of Exceptionally Likeable People – (Uh. I think I do less than half of these. Maybe I’m not as likeable as I thought.)

One Minute Maudlin Poetry

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I was going to fix you.
Give you so much of me that it would patch your broken heart.
You’d be so grateful, you would fall in love with me.
And that would fix me.

But you’re still broken.
I’m still alone.
And you don’t even notice I’m gone.

Maybe I’m¬†the only one who was¬†broken after all.

(edited 2/6/15)

Lawd Knows I Can’t Change

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Reading back over my blog the last few days, I see that nothing has really changed for me over the last year and a half. Meds have kept me from feeling as¬†bad physically (’cause y’all, heartbreak and sadness and depression physically hurt!), but I still whine about and wrestle with all the same things about myself.¬†Is there something I like about feeling like shit and wallowing in so much self-pity?

Why do I have an urge to continue spewing the same problems all over the internet for people to read? It must be exhausting, annoying and incredibly boring to read the same stuff from me over and over.

I do still believe somewhere deep and misguided inside of me that if I share my “this girl is fucked in the head” issues¬†enough, someone will come along, say or do the thing I’ve been missing, and suddenly I will be healed! I’ll be a new person! I will be whole and satisfied – finally!

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But I know nobody can fix me – my heart and all the things I hate about myself and my life.

I say that over and over, but I don’t know how to change myself. I don’t even know if I want to change. If I have to change into an extrovert, is that still me? If I LIKE myself am I still me?

Where do you even start trying to change your life? I can’t afford to quit a good job with benefits to go live in the woods in a cabin, chop my own firewood, shovel cow shit and read books. I’m exhausted by the thought of joining groups of people I don’t know. Match.com and eHarmony were a huge disappointment and waste of money. I’m not really interested in anything anymore except church and theology and things I want to control. And I’ve pretty much given up on finding someone to love me because it just hurts way, way too much.

So how do I affect change in myself? How do I even know who I want to be? How do I change the way I think? How do I change my feelings? How do I change all these negative emotions? How do I learn to like myself? How do I learn to feel like this life is even worth living?

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Added: I don’t even know WHY I’m so unhappy. That makes it hard to change too.

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Lost, Bereft and Lonely

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I’ve been having more vivid dreams lately. I’m not sure if it’s the increase in the dosage of my lamotrigine or if my brain is just full of stuff it needs to chew up.

I woke up this morning remembering three dreams.

In the first dream I was supposed to go to some kind of party like a baby shower or a wedding shower or something civilized and girly like that. I was just going to walk because it was close, but the more I walked through the subdivision, the more lost I got. The houses were big and fancy, but similar enough where every place I walked looked the same. I couldn’t find any landmarks even when I walked through the woods and backyards behind the houses.

The second dream was about my daddy, who in real life died about ten years ago. We were in a house (maybe in that same subdivision from the first dream, I’m not sure) and he and someone else had come in from doing some kind of hard work like yard work or cutting trees or something. Daddy came in and sat down and was having something cold, I don’t remember if it was a drink or ice cream or what. He was talking and laughing with us and suddenly he stiffened and I knew something was wrong. It was like he was having a stroke or something. I jumped up worried while everybody else in the room was joking about it, not thinking anything was really the matter. Then Daddy looked at me and struggled to whisper, “Call an ambulance.”

All the emergency vehicles arrived and the EMTs came in with the gurney. It was so crowded and there were so many colors with all the fire trucks and flashing lights and uniforms of the emergency response guys. I was scared, but Daddy seemed a little better. He told the paramedics, “I had come in from working hard and was having (that cold thing) and suddenly the top third of my brain got squishy.”

What I remember of the last dream is very short. It was the only dream that was black and white. In this one, I was in the dream, but I also seemed to have the consciousness of an outside observer. I saw¬†the action from inside myself, like you do in real life, but I was having observational thoughts from the outside like when you watch a TV show. In this dream I was in the basement conference space where Boo and I work together sometimes. I kissed him¬†goodbye. It was one of those casual kisses¬†you give somebody when you know you’ll see them again soon. The observing me thought, “Oh, this must mean that we’re (they’re) finally in a relationship. Finally!”

Thinking back on the kiss in the dream, it was very much like our last kiss in real life – a peck goodbye without much real meaning.

It’s interesting when I think about these three dreams together. They’re all about loss and desire and searching. These are certainly the major themes of my internal life right now.

But why can’t¬†dreams come with more answers or CliffsNotes or something. I need a more specific guide! Or maybe I just need dreams to come with heart Band-Aids or something that makes me feel nothing at all. Looks like I picked a bad decade to stop drinking.