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A Long Time On The Couch

I’m thinking of changing the name of this blog from “A Long Run” to “A Long Time On The Couch In Front Of The TV.”

Last year I ran three or four half-marathons; a couple of long, mountain trail races, the Peachtree Road Race and a marathon.

I was like:

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I ran 1005 miles last year. Really. Seriously.

This year I’m like:

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Seriously. I haven’t run a single step this year. I’ve probably watched 1005 thousand hours of TV instead.

For real. The only things I’ve done this year other than work and grocery shopping are go to church to run sound on Sundays and go to church committee meetings two or three times. Oh, and I took that trip to Selma a couple of weeks ago.

But the thing is, I don’t WANT to do anything. I only want to lie on the couch. Alone. That’s all.

I drive past Centennial Olympic Park on my way to work and I see they’re starting to set up for the Georgia Marathon. The race is Sunday. I think I’ve run it five years in a row. It was my first half. It was my first marathon.

I see the set up happening now for the thousands of runners, and I feel guilty and ashamed that I won’t be running this year. And instead of that making me want to run, it makes me want to curl up on the couch and hide and berate myself for being such a loser.

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Links of the Week – February 20, 2015

* Chances Of People Believing An Outrageous Statement

* Shep Smith’s Advice For FBN’s Kennedy: ‘Wear Less Clothes” – (Prick.)

* Fashion It So: TNG’s ‘Night Terrors’

* What I Always Find Myself Thinking In Meetings – (Every. Time.)

* The Braves Apologized To Fans With A Valentine’s Card In 1976 – (Your 2016 card will be in the mail.)

* Mars One: ‘We’re All Going To Die, But It’s Important What We Do Before We Die’

* 22 Signs You’ve Been In Your Job Too Long – (I got 11. It would’ve been more if I hadn’t had to get sober a few years ago.)

* PostSecret: Scars

* School Is About More Than Training Kids To Be Adults

* The Case For A Gender Studies Requirement – (Great idea!)

* Buttered Pecan Biscuits

* Apple Cinnamon Baked Doughnuts with Brown Butter Glaze

* whatshouldwecallme: Valentine’s Day

* New Study Finds Therapy, Antidepressants Equally Effective At Monetizing Depression

* Rockdale Citizen: World’s Shortest Endurance Race Slated For St. Patrick’s Day

* When Churches Want A Pastor Who Can “Bring In Young Families”…

* Oatmeal Cream Pie Gooey Bars – (Oh my!)

* Food For The Thoughtless: I Don’t Know Your Life – (Blog post of the week!)

* “Irrational” Actors Worshiping The End Of Days: ISIS, George W. Bush, And The Christian Right

* birdsrightsactivist: Best In Show

* Why ISIS Causes Me To Struggle With The Gospel

* Teenage Girl Blossoming Into Beautiful Object

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“The process by which men and women fell in love and coupled off had always been about as clear to me as quadratic equations or Masonic rites. I’d grown up without being exposed to many actual men besides teachers, who didn’t really count. I had cobbled together a composite picture for myself out of the limited source material at hand. My mother had naturally weighed in heavily with the opinion that the male sex was a lower order without common sense or the capacity to behave responsibly, but Gothic novels and fairy tales had inculcated in me the equally strong but contrary expectation that either a prince of some kind would carry me off to his castle or Mr. Rochester would eventually marry me if I waited for him to go blind. By the time I was eight years old, I’d absorbed the idea that courtship and marriage happened when the perfect man came along and chose you from the lineup. All you could do as the girl was stand there and wait.”

     – In The Drink, Kate Christensen

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Links of the Week – February 13, 2015

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* Lt. Uhura Print

* Spock Riding An Alicorn Over A Rainbow

* PostSecret: Not My Fault – (Me too)

* PostSecret: Every Day – (Been there. Done that. Don’t forget your baseball cards.)

* Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back

* Mother Provides Adult Son With List Of Questions To Ask Doctor

* FISTICUFFSANDSHENANIGANS: I Shall Apply A Password To My Communication Medium Post Haste

* Chocolate Cheesecakes + Salted Caramel Sauce

* Chief Features Of Self Destruction

* 28 Ooey Gooey Cookies That Took It To The Next Level – (O!M!G!!!)

* These Parents Couldn’t Find Their Daughters Dresses With Trucks And Dinosaurs So They Designed Their Own

* 17 Terrible Valentines For People Who Are Dead Inside

* Grave Cages And Medical Murder: The Body-Snatching Era In Scotland

* Company To Experiment With Valuing Employees

* New Study Finds Majority Of God’s Blessings Burn Up On Entry Into The Atmosphere

* What Draco’s Father Will Hear About

* Running Helps Young Girls Cope With Pre-Teen Stress

* Down With The ‘Notorious R.B.G’ – (Who knew a Supreme Court Justice could have such a following?)

* Help Find The World’s ‘Loneliest Whale’ – (I literally had a sudden, stabbing pain in my heart when I read this.)

* Supreme Court Upholds Little Caesar’s Right To Feed Christian Employees To Lions

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* 10 Reasons Jesus Would (Probably) Be An Outcast In Today’s Church

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“John is often afraid, but he doesn’t know it.”

“I am at the center of an immense system. I keep the planets in orbit around me. I keep everything in balance.
I am a perfect daughter, student, girlfriend, woman. I’m admired.
I have roles. I’m a social human. I follow the rules.
I easily follow rules.
Men want me. Right? They’ll want me more when I’m thinner.
I’ll be unstoppable.
Then, I will always be happy.”

“Some nights I stay awake expecting he’ll call me to say that he’s dead.”

Binary Star, Sarah Gerard

“I had never intended to make such a mess of things. It had happened incrementally and gradually; every day, I’d felt the gap widen between me and that parallel universe that contained the life I’d meant to create for myself, that exciting, interesting whirl of travel and fabulous dinner parties and satisfying work. Over the years, I’d begun to take a perverse pleasure in seeing just how bad my life could get before the whole thing blew and, as an interesting corollary, just how severely I could punish myself for having been so arrogant as to think that my untapped potential and vague desire to succeed were of interest to anyone but me. Since I had run out of other options, this experiment served as a sort of substitute for ambition.

In The Drink, Kate Christensen

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When I Grow Up…

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I started thinking about Tae Kwon Do on the train on the way home, which made me remember the horror of 6th grade square dancing in PE class which made me think about the goals I’ve set for myself throughout my life. (Yay, stream of consciousness!)

As I’ve noted before, one of the things that broke me down in Tae Kwon Do was the regularity with which we had to choose partners. Imagine not only having to TALK to somebody you don’t know, but also having to work directly with them and maybe even touch each other. *shiver!*

The first time I recognized the pain of partnering up was in that 6th grade square dancing section of PE. I LOVED PE up to that point. I loved to play games and be physical! But suddenly, I was betrayed. “Everyone grab a partner!” *sigh*

PE had turned into an activity based on being chosen by a boy for your popularity and looks. For the first time I realized I was a fat, ugly, naive nerd. And at about the same time, I started being picked on because of my awkwardness. I didn’t want anybody to think they’d made me cry or hurt my feelings, so I developed an armor of smart-ass, loud words and held my tears and pain in my stomach and my heart. And then I ate more to comfort myself.

The thing that helped me power past all of that was my goal of being an athlete. My brother, Mike, had played high school football and baseball. My cousin, Scott, was a state wrestling champ. And my cousin, Dennis, played baseball at the University of Tennessee and had an amazing, glittering collection of his trophies on display in the living room of his house. Every time I went there to see Granny or Aunt Jo or Dennis, I would stare at those trophies and count them and covet them.

I was the only girl on either side of the family and I wanted to prove I could keep up with those boys. They were my heroes!  I wanted to letter in as many sports as I could and have a high school letter jacket just like they did. I wanted to get more trophies than Dennis had in that living room!

So I didn’t build myself in adolescence (not that I even would have known where to begin) as a pretty, soft and social girl. I set out to accomplish those athletic goals. (You didn’t have to be pretty or accepted to shoot free throws or hit homers. #marlahooch )

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Concentrating on sports made the hurt from the bullying, and the lack of attention from boys secondary.

Even though I was a terrible player, I made the middle school basketball team on sheer hustle. I remained an outstanding softball player. My basketball team went undefeated and won the county championship my 8th grade year. I was one of three or four freshmen who made the softball team when I moved to high school. I continued to play basketball, and in the spring, threw shot and discus on the track team. I wound up lettering in three sports: 4 years in softball, 4 years in track and 2 years in basketball. I got that letter jacket and I wound up with more trophies than Dennis!

That goal I set for myself in elementary school had come to fruition after eight years of hard work.

In college I decided I wanted to work at Camp Glisson during the summers. This was just a matter of making it through the application process, but again, it was something I wanted to do, set my mind to and accomplished.

In high school, I decided I wanted to go to seminary after I graduated from college. I followed through, applied and got in.

But this is where everything starts pulling out of focus and heading off the rails. Yes, I got in. But I didn’t finish. For various reasons, seminary whipped my ass. It whipped my pride. It whipped me socially. It whipped me emotionally.

I started drinking to cover the pain that time, and really floundered for a couple of years until I met my future ex-husband playing coed softball. We got married and built a future together. But I didn’t really have any goals in mind. (And certainly didn’t have the goal of getting divorced 10 years later.)

And I haven’t had a real goal since then either.

I’ve finished three marathons and busted my ass to reach my goal in the last one. So my ability to set a goal and work like crazy to meet it is still there.

But I don’t really have any meaningful goals I want to reach. Isn’t that something grown-ups are supposed to have?

I’m 46.

Shouldn’t there be something I want to accomplish? Something I want? Something I really care about?

Couldn’t someone just tell me what those things are?

Frankly, I still feel exactly like I look in this picture from when I was two or three.

Can’t we just play ball, eat supper, have somebody read us a story and fall asleep? Isn’t that enough any more?

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2014 In Pictures – My Favorites

Last one!

Links of the Week – January 2, 2015

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* In France, Vestiges Of The Great War’s Bloody End

* Stinky Poo and T.P. “Friends Forever” Mini Plush Set

* A.A. Milne Quotes

* Georgia Tech Student Indicted For UGA Website Hack – (OK. This WAS a great prank!)

* 18 Reasons The World Isn’t Such A Bad Place – (Illustrated in grilled cheese!)

* 19 Mind-Numbingly Easy New Year’s Resolutions For Lazy Slobs

* 19 Of The Worst Lyrics Of 2014 – (I laughed until I cried!)

* After A Sea Of Christmas Sweaters, An Ode To The Forgotten Baseball Sweater

* Because You Need 75 New Ways To Say “Fix It, Jesus” – (Hysterical! Post of the week!)

* Clippers Retire Donald Sterling Jersey

* Comet Lovejoy The First Naked-Eye Comet Of 2015

* Maury, Yes Maury, Had The Best Christmas Sweater Of The Year – (!!!)

* Mo’ne Davis Wins AP Female Athlete Of The Year

* NASA Spacecraft Approaching Dwarf Planet Ceres – (I didn’t even know there WAS a dwarf planet Ceres!)

* Nutella Buckeyes – (Calls for ANOTHER praise break!)

 

* Rape Investigation Finds Star Quarterback Has All The Goods: ‘He Can Make All The Throws And Has A Cannon For An Arm,’ Confirms Sexual Assault Inquiry

* Remembering The Ones We Lost – (Beautiful!)

* Run Bum Races – (You know you want to – hurt! They’re awesome!)

* Three Small Words That Will Improve Your Relationships – (I need to tattoo this on my brain!)

* Transgender Teen Commits Suicide, Cites Christian Parents In Blog – (We can do so much better.)

* Transgender Teen: “My Death Needs To Mean Something”

* God Doesn’t Make Mistakes, People Do

* What Transgender Teen’s Death Should Show Us – (“Our innate ability to identify with the needs and experiences of others — to have compassion, empathy — is the very thing that makes us human.”)

* The Transgender Life: What To Know, What To Say, What To Understand

* Vin Scully Momentarily Lost His 1988 World Series Ring While Shopping, Found It In A Bag Of Ribs

* Washington Nationals, Dan Uggla Agree To Minor League Deal

* Watch This Boy’s Reaction As He Gets A New Dog For Christmas – (My hearrrrrrt!)

* Shower Thoughts – (Whoaaaaaaa!)

* Why Emotional Learning May Be As Important As The ABCs – (Astounding. Not. My mom was doing this for a living as an elementary school counselor 40 years ago. Why did schools ever stop???)

* The Cockspur Lighthouse – (Bucket List!)

* Tiny Japanese Cat-Shaped Treats – ❤ ❤ ❤

* Homer & Ned Flanders Change Up AC/DC

* Steven Gerrard Reportedly Set To Leave Liverpool For MLS

* Spaghetti Toes: Artist Illustrates Statements Of 3-Year Old Daughter – (PERFECT! 😀 )

 

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“There are few people who will love you unconditionally. You should strive to be one of them.”

– http://tinybuddha.com/blog/6-things-instead-comparing-others/

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In 2015…

I did this same kind of post last New Year’s Eve. I accomplished five of those eighteen. I guess that’s better than zero. And the cat died, so that was a major failure on my part as an omnipotent ruler of the universe. So I’m going to try again this year. (To make a list for the upcoming year, not to be an omnipotent ruler of the universe.) I’m not making any promises about how these turn out.

  1. Punch more things. (I punched something last week for the first time in my life. It was like something cracked wide-open in my chest and I could breathe and I felt FREE!)
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  2. Find a way to live in the woods. (Sorry, city. I think your time is up.)
  3. Stop giving away so much money.
  4. Live in the now, not in the past or the future.
  5. Try to let the past go.
  6. Stop giving a shit about people who don’t show they give a shit about me.
    byefelicia
  7. Be a better friend to the people who DO care about me…
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  8. Go to Laguna Beach to visit Mandy.
  9. Make a budget.
  10. Figure out what I want my life to look like. (Thanks, BME!)
  11. Learn to do more shit myself without having to ask for help.
  12. Stop thinking I’m always supposed to be a good girl.
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  13. Skydive
  14. Ride a dirt bike in the mud.
    motocross
  15. Impose myself on people less.
  16. Learn to shut the fuck up!
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  17. Go under 1:00 in a 10K.
  18. Learn to accept how I look.
    prettygirl
  19. Read more.
  20. Go back to therapy.
  21. Ask less of people.
  22. Need people less.
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  23. Trust people less.
  24. Take care of myself.
  25. Do it my damned self.
  26. Go there by my damned self.