Tag Archive | Loneliness

Links of the Week – January 23, 2015

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* Braves Offense Will Make It Feel Like The Mid-70s Again

* PostSecret: Cutting

* 10 Things Pastors Wish Church Members Knew About Ministry – (And where it says “men,” please insert “and women.”)

* 32 GIFs Guaranteed To Make You Laugh Every Time

* A Catholic Sister’s Ministry In The Transgender Community

* PostSecret: Alone

* Vermont Novelty Toaster Corporation – (Because you KNOW you need a Sarah Palin toaster!)

* Anderson Cooper Takes On The “Gay Agenda” – (HOOT! 😀 )

* Atlanta’s Five Points On Peachtree In 1925

* Biden Arrives Early To Set Up State Of The Union Fog Machine

* Bill & Melinda Gates: Our Bet For 2030

* Breakfast Egg Rolls – (Where has this revelation been in my life???)

* Brutally Honest: Is It OK To Let Your Child Fail?

* Can An NBA Team Act Like Jesus?

* Casey Legler: The Only Woman Working Exclusively As A Male Model

* CNN’s Ashleigh Banfield Mistakenly Condemns Eagles’ Guitarist Joe Walsh – (SMH)

* Dangerously Cheesy: Deputies Find Meth In Cheetos Bag – (Best lede ever!)

* Frozen Bubbles Are Super Awesome – (Beautiful!)

* Let’s Declare #IAmNigeria To Honor Nation’s 2000 Lives Lost To Terrorists

* Lonesome Alito Declares Marriage Only Between A Man And The Sea

* Marcus Borg, Leading Liberal Theologian And Historical Jesus Expert, Dies At 72 – (Love his work!)

* Meet Positively Adorable New Gerber Baby – (Owwwwwww! My ovaries!)

* Mini Chocolate Cakes With Salted Carmel Buttercream – (Wait for it! You know it’s coming…)

 

* Pablo The Chameleon Knows How To Make An Entrance – (#wreckingball)

* Princeton Football To Play Spring Game In Osaka, Japan

* Baseball Writer Christina Kahrl Finds Acceptance As A Trans Woman In The Sports World

* Space X Releases Dramatic Photos And Video Of Rocket Landing Explosion – (BIIIGGGG Bada Boom!)

* Survey: Nearly 92% Of Congress Is Christian

* The 10 Least Necessary Bibles Ever Published

* The False Gospel Of Gender Binaries – (Simply outstanding!)

* The Heresy Of Worshiptainment – (*clears throat*)

 

* The World Isn’t As Scary As You Might Think – (Statistics prove it’s true!)

* There You Have It – (LINK OF THE WEEK)

* To Serve Man: It’s A Notebook!

* What If Heaven Is Not For Real? – (“Our not-being in the past doesn’t worry us. So, why does our not-being in the future freak us out so much?”)

* What To Expect At The National Center For Civil And Human Rights In Atlanta – (This sounds amazing!)

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“Expectations are resentments waiting to happen….”
– Crooked Little Heart, Anne Lamott
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“She felt like she had to be mean if she wanted to be herself, while all the grown-ups wanted her to be soft and sad and loving like they were being, and she did not want them to mess with her. She raised her elbows higher, like the turrets of a castle, to keep the grown-ups away. She felt fiercely alone, and she wanted to feel that way.”
– Crooked Little Heart, Anne Lamott
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“Don’t let fear decide your future.”
Shalane Flanagan, American long-distance runner
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“The money spent by one campus ministry to cover the costs of their Central American mission trip to repaint an orphanage would have been sufficient to hire two local painters and two new full-time teachers and purchase new uniforms for every student in the school.”
Toxic Charity, Robert D. Lupton
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The Sad Crept In

I managed to hold it off until the day before Christmas Eve, but the sad sat down hard on my chest this morning. Driving  in to the office about 7:45, alone in my car, Paul Anka was on the radio singing “Rudolph,” all the Christmas lights were shining through the gloomy fog in Centennial Park, and the SkyView ferris wheel was lit up and spinning.

And suddenly it felt like everything joyful and festive and hopeful and good in me was sucked out and only an incredible emptiness was left. I was suddenly acutely aware of my aloneness.

What is it about Christmas that does this? I’m no more alone than I am any other time of year. And I’m not “alone.” The office is full of people today. I’ll be with my family tomorrow. (And for me, gratefully, unlike some, I love being with my family.) But when I could’ve left the office this morning after my 9:00 meeting was over, I didn’t want to. The idea seems cold and empty and dark and – alone.

I tried to alleviate the “alone” this year. I invited someone to come to Christmas Eve at my mom’s with me (and to various other Christmas events as well) – but… well… yeah… you know. And maybe that makes me feel more alone too, when you try to not be alone and those attempts are rejected.

I know there’s got to be more to this feeling that descends on me this time every year. And I’m so glad that it’s only happened a few days before Christmas this time. (For the last couple of years, it hit at Thanksgiving and didn’t let up until Christmas was over.) But even a couple of days of feeling like this sucks!

I read a great article yesterday that feels very true to what I’m feeling. (And I can’t remember where it was so I can link to it, dammit!) But basically it said that feeling anxious about being alone is evolutionary. As cavemen (and women), if you were alone, you weren’t safe.

That’s very much what my aloneness feels like; the emotion feels like vulnerability and insecurity and danger.

I always feel guilty when I feel like this around the holidays. I have so much and I am so blessed. I’m not a big evangelist or testifier, but I truly believe if God hadn’t interceded in my life, I could very well be homeless, whoring, or dead right now from my alcoholism. I have found an amazing church that fits my incredibly liberal beliefs socially and theologically – five blocks from my house. More importantly, that church has become a home and a family for me. I have an amazing family of birth and amazing friends. I have stumbled accidentally into a comfortable career that allows me to provide for myself. I could go on and on.

There are people who ARE homeless. Children who are hungry. I have a friend who’s sitting death watch over his mother right now. There are people who’ve been disowned by their families. There are people wrestling mightily with addictions. There are people in prison. There are people in sexual slavery. There are people in abusive relationships. I could go on and on.

I don’t feel like I deserve to feel sad, but still I do.

I guess one of the hardest things is that (at least most years) I don’t want to just wish away the holiday. When I’m sad or upset about some event at other times of the year, I just tell myself that it’ll be over soon. But I really like Christmas, particularly Christmas Eve at my mom’s where my immediate family eats ham sandwiches in front of the TV, then opens stockings, then move to the living room where we listen to Christmas music on the stereo while we exchange gifts one by one. So I guess I feel very conflicted about loving it and wanting it to be over (or maybe just wanting to not feel sad) at the same time.

I think if I could ferret out exactly why I feel like this, I could make it better. Meanwhile, I have a man pinging me on eHarmony. He sounds interesting. We have a lot in common. He has pretty eyes. But when I get ready to respond to his questions, I’m terrified and can’t bring myself to do it. So maybe I DO want to be alone.

Can you simultaneously want to be alone and want to not alone at the same time. I can’t decide which one is scarier.

I’m living in a limbo of fear and anxiety. Ho ho ho.

Links of the Week – December 19, 2014

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* What Should We Call Me: New Year’s Eve

* 5 Things Women Wish Men Knew About Sex

* 6 True Stories That Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity

* 26 People Who Redefined Relationship Goals In 2014

* A Copper Bedrail Could Cut Back On Infections For Hospital Patients

* Arthur Blank Recognizes Historic Football Moment

* Belly Watch: All I Want For Christmas – (Sniff!)

* Top 12 Mean-But-Funny Cakes

* TCM Christmas Classics Schedule

* I Might Need A Nap: Come Sit By Me – (Come share my light.)

* Could You Possibly Get A High School Diploma Now? – (See if you can pass this quiz!)

* This Is Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You

* Here Are The 2014 Star Wars Snowflake Patterns You’re Looking For – (Awesomesauce!)

* Scribbles & Crumbs: hope through the hopeless – (It’s not the hap-happiest season of all…)

* eBay: Mickey Mantle Holiday Inn-Joplin Hotel Ash Tray – (Cool!)

* Handwritten Family Recipes Reprinted On Tea Towels – (Dawwwww!)

* Pirates Plan To Blend In With Scenery In New Alternate Camoflauge Jerseys – (Perfect!)

* Rosetta Fuels Debate On Origin Of Earth’s Oceans

* Signs You’re A Badass Bitch

* Take A Long Break With Lil Bub’s New Relaxing Video

* Cats Like Hats!

* What We Learned About Love – (Annnnnnd she writes my life…)

* Why Nice People Cling To Bad Boys (Or Girls)

* Where Does Loneliness Come From – ❤ ❤ ❤

* Learning To Let Go Of Past Hurts – 5 Ways To Move On

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Rounders, rounders
Children in the meadow
Finders, keepers
Trees are turning yellow

Heads-up, catcall
Crows in the reservoir
Jetstream, satellite
Maybe it’s the North Star

And it feels like coming home
Yeah it tingles on my skin
And it feels like coming home
It’s your love that draws me in

Left turn, subway
Blow it in their faces
Raise me up,
Undo my laces

Touch screen, paperback
Making tracks to meet you
Fur lined Anorak

Running cause it feels good

And you feel like coming home
Yeah you tingle on my skin
And you feel like coming home
It’s your love that draws me in

Home is where your heart meets mine
Home is where your heart meets mine
Home is where your heart meets mine

And you feel like coming home
Yeah you tingle on my skin
And it feels like coming home
Yeah, it tingles on my skin

And you feel like coming home
It’s your love that draws me in
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Everything Changed

Post-Holiday-Depression-Zack-Ahern

I’ve always loved the holidays – the lights, the gifts, the music, the television specials, the anticipation! And I still love all those things, but a confluence of several factors including my divorce and the death of my dad have changed things. There is an empty place in my heart.

The holidays are supposed to be a time for joyful gatherings. But I always feel like a giant zit under a magnifying glass when I’m alone there these days. I rarely feel self-conscious, but inevitably I do at holiday parties.

I feel it particularly strongly at family gatherings. Except for my widowed mother and grandmother, I’m the only one not coupled up and the only adult without kids. It makes me feel like Forrest Gump at the Black Panther party, and like I screwed up all the things you’re supposed to be and do as a grown-up. Here I am, 46 years old and alone at the holidays without any “family.” And it’s my fault for quitting and walking away from my marriage because I thought I could find something better.

Disney and Hallmark and all the others have conspired to make me believe in happy endings, in love stories, in holiday magic. I have daydreamed countless scenarios where my magical holiday ending finally happens. My imaginary stories are so romantic, full of kisses and Christmas lights and love!

But a life’s true story isn’t wrapped up tightly in a bow after two hours. There are very few happy endings. And there are many, many sad and lonely people.

Every year at the holidays, I swear this time will be different. I’m going to beat the holiday blues. I’m going to love myself. I will be enough. I’ll have more gratitude. I will find joy.

I will not have a prolonged anxiety attack from Thanksgiving Eve through Christmas Eve.

So far on night one of the countdown, I’m not starting out too well…

The Only Thing

The thing that hurts is the loneliness.


Maroon 5 – Maps


Howard Jones – What Is Love?


Alison Krauss – Tonight I’ll Be Lonely Too

Life’s Like Mayonnaise Soda

Image

This thing is not exactly depression.

It has tinges of anxiety. My heart races and I worry and overthink. The Paxil had that fixed for a while.

I’m not exactly sad.

Just unfocused and raw and blue. If I can just lay on the couch in front of the TV, I can just veg in my foggy stupid-head and never move and feel mostly blearily pacified. But if I have to get up and go to work, I can’t focus. And I can’t sit still.

And my head is full of words. But my mouth doesn’t want to speak any out loud.

I don’t have a diagnosis, only similes.

  • It’s like when you’re riding a bike and you hear the click when you shift gears, but you can feel in the pedals that it didn’t quite take.
  • It’s like that itch on the back of your calf that you scratch and scratch until it bleeds, but it still itches.
  • It’s like trying to exist as the proverbial square peg in a world of round holes.
  • It’s like that “Time’s Arrow” episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation where they discover a race of beings they can’t see because they’re “slightly out of phase with time.”

And I guess sad and depressed AREN’T the right words for what I’m feeling. I think the right word is alone. But it’s a different thing from feeling lonely. When I’m like this I feel alone when I’m here by myself. I feel alone when I’m in a full sanctuary at church. I feel alone at breakfast with Boo. And I’d feel alone if I were in a full baseball stadium.

It feels like I am just out of phase with the world.

What’s Good – Lou Reed

Life’s like a mayonnaise soda
And life’s like space without room
And life’s like bacon and ice cream
That’s what life’s like without you

Life’s like forever becoming
But life’s forever dealing in hurt
Now life’s like death without living
That’s what life’s like without you

Life’s like Sanskrit read to a pony
I see you in my mind’s eye strangling on your tongue
What’s good is knowing such devotion
I’ve been around, I know what makes things run

What good is seeing eye chocolate
What good’s a computerized nose
And what good was cancer in April
Why no good, no good at all

What good’s a war without killing
What good is rain that falls up
What good’s a disease that won’t hurt you
Why no good, I guess, no good at all

What good are these thoughts that I’m thinking
It must be better not to be thinking at all
A Styrofoam lover with emotions of concrete
No not much, not much at all

What good is life without living
What good’s this lion that barks
You loved a life others throw away nightly
It’s not fair, not fair at all

What’s good?
Oh, baby, what’s good?
What’s good?
What’s good?
Not much at all

Hey, baby, what’s good?
(What’s good?)
What’s good?
(What’s good?)
What’s good?
(What’s good?)
Not much at all

What’s good?
(What’s good?)
What’s good?
(Life’s good)
Life’s good
(Life’s good)
What’s good?
(Life’s good)
But not fair at all