Tag Archive | Obsession

Links of the Week – December 19, 2014

tumblr_lopbn8iJUM1qkx0x3o1_250

* What Should We Call Me: New Year’s Eve

* 5 Things Women Wish Men Knew About Sex

* 6 True Stories That Will Restore Your Faith In Humanity

* 26 People Who Redefined Relationship Goals In 2014

* A Copper Bedrail Could Cut Back On Infections For Hospital Patients

* Arthur Blank Recognizes Historic Football Moment

* Belly Watch: All I Want For Christmas – (Sniff!)

* Top 12 Mean-But-Funny Cakes

* TCM Christmas Classics Schedule

* I Might Need A Nap: Come Sit By Me – (Come share my light.)

* Could You Possibly Get A High School Diploma Now? – (See if you can pass this quiz!)

* This Is Why Your Wife Won’t Have Sex With You

* Here Are The 2014 Star Wars Snowflake Patterns You’re Looking For – (Awesomesauce!)

* Scribbles & Crumbs: hope through the hopeless – (It’s not the hap-happiest season of all…)

* eBay: Mickey Mantle Holiday Inn-Joplin Hotel Ash Tray – (Cool!)

* Handwritten Family Recipes Reprinted On Tea Towels – (Dawwwww!)

* Pirates Plan To Blend In With Scenery In New Alternate Camoflauge Jerseys – (Perfect!)

* Rosetta Fuels Debate On Origin Of Earth’s Oceans

* Signs You’re A Badass Bitch

* Take A Long Break With Lil Bub’s New Relaxing Video

* Cats Like Hats!

* What We Learned About Love – (Annnnnnd she writes my life…)

* Why Nice People Cling To Bad Boys (Or Girls)

* Where Does Loneliness Come From – ❤ ❤ ❤

* Learning To Let Go Of Past Hurts – 5 Ways To Move On

=================================================

Rounders, rounders
Children in the meadow
Finders, keepers
Trees are turning yellow

Heads-up, catcall
Crows in the reservoir
Jetstream, satellite
Maybe it’s the North Star

And it feels like coming home
Yeah it tingles on my skin
And it feels like coming home
It’s your love that draws me in

Left turn, subway
Blow it in their faces
Raise me up,
Undo my laces

Touch screen, paperback
Making tracks to meet you
Fur lined Anorak

Running cause it feels good

And you feel like coming home
Yeah you tingle on my skin
And you feel like coming home
It’s your love that draws me in

Home is where your heart meets mine
Home is where your heart meets mine
Home is where your heart meets mine

And you feel like coming home
Yeah you tingle on my skin
And it feels like coming home
Yeah, it tingles on my skin

And you feel like coming home
It’s your love that draws me in
=================================================

Obsession

Image

As crushing as my anxiety and depression became last summer, it still felt like something that happened to other people on a regular basis. I clearly needed help, but it never felt like something that marked me. But now I feel like I’m really crazy.

I spent my time at the therapist Wednesday talking about how I couldn’t stop my brain from thinking about Boo. What did it mean when he said this? Should I say that? Has he texted me? Should I text him? When we talk about sex, that means he wants to have sex with me, right? Where is he in this relationship? How awesome was it when we hung out and ran and had breakfast Saturday? Why does he open up to me and then push me away? My brain constantly whirring and imagining and worrying and celebrating and mourning, even when I desperately just wanted to rest my mind and watch “Andy Griffith” and eat Pop Tarts.

I thought everybody was like this at the start of a relationship. I just wanted my therapist to help talk me through some of the anxiety. Instead she looked at me like she was very concerned, asked me if I was still cutting and told me as soon as I left there I needed to call my psychiatrist and make an appointment as soon as I could to talk about more medication. “Tell him exactly what you told me,” she said. Apparently everybody ISN’T like this. Apparently I’m obsessive.

I started looking back through my life and I have obsessed for long periods of time about:

  • Jesus
  • My high school church youth director
  • The first guy I slept with AFTER we slept together
  • A guy who taught some training classes I took, who I wound up propositioning
  • Star Trek
  • Ron Dittemore/The Columbia Space Shuttle Disaster
  • David Tennant/Dr. Who

Obsession has clearly been my pattern. I realized it. And then I felt irreparably insane.

Sure. Everybody gets depressed. But now I’m just bat shit crazy. Mentally ill. Off my fucking rocker. How can I ever live my life or have a relationship with a man if I’m not normal, if my brain doesn’t work right? This feels like being broken, wrong, damaged, worthless, irredeemable. I feel like I should quit trying. I can’t get this right.

And when I talked to Boo last night, it turns out he’s not my boo. Mixed signals. Misunderstandings. Wishful thinking. False expectations. Stupid girl. Stupid, stupid girl. Stupid, stupid broken girl.