Tag Archive | Sexual Abuse

Links of the Week – March 20, 2015

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* The End Of White Christian America Is Nigh: Why The Country’s Youth Are Abandoning Religious Conservatism

* Justice System to 13-Year-Old Girl: It’s Not Rape Because You Have Curves – (Women, if you’re not enraged yet, you’re not paying attention.)

* Cops On An 11-Year-Old Who Says She Was Raped: “Child’s Promiscuous Behavior Caused This”

* Pope Francis’s Pledge Of Zero Tolerance For Child Abusers Being Tested In Chile

* Alpha Males And Sexual Abuse Of Women

* Understanding Abusers: There Is No Stereotype For Offenders

* “I Am Called A Whore”: Ashley Judd Unloads On The Internet’s Grossest Trolls

* “Son Of A Bitch!” Jon Stewart Hammers “Disingenuous” GOP And “Dumb-Ass” Dems Over Anti-Sex Trafficking Fiasco – (As he should. Fuckers.)

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* National Organization Of Women – (Stand up for women! God doesn’t seem to be helping.)

* Put A Woman On The $20!

* Behold The Unexpected Awesomeness Of The Taco Doughnut

* Racist Oklahoma Video A Sign Of Regression In Race Relations In America

* Millennials Are More Racist Than They Think

* PostSecret: If Jesus Were Here – (He does…)

* PostSecret: Babar

* Find A Death: The Death Of Jeanine Deckers: The Singing Nun – (“It took fourteen years for Jeannine to give up the ‘friend’ thing and sip from the furry cup and join the Order of the Practical Shoes.” And then I died! 😀 )

* Find A Death: The Death of Greg Plitt – (Leg day! 😀 )

* For When You Think That No One Will Ever Love You

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* Disenchanted With Losing, Andy Landers Calls It Quits After 36 Years Of Coaching The Lady Dogs – (A pioneer in women’s basketball, and the only Lady Dog coach I’ve ever known.)

* Psalm 37: How To Receive The Desires Of Your Heart – (As long as God decides it’s OK. And he doesn’t have anything better to do. And he really exists. Now does that really sound like granting the desires of MY heart? No. It does not.)

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* A Boy And Her Dog: Mail Is Not A Gender

* A Boy And Her Dog: Topless In The Locker Room

* A Womanonymous: Shock

* A Womanonymous: Wild Offering – (Post of the Week)

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* Black Bear Lodge Adventure Therapy – (I wonder how much this costs…)

* Workplace Suicide Rates Rise Sharply

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* 21 Harsh Truths No One Tells Teens

* 5 Reasons To Suspect That Jesus Never Existed

* Catcher David Ross’ Approach To Game Anything But Routine – (Oh, Rossy! My favorite!)

* Contributions Of David Ross Go Beyond The Numbers

* Joe Maddon Is Binge-Watching ‘The Office’ At Cubs’ Spring Training – (Oh, Joe! My favorite!)

* Largest Group Of U.S. Presbyterian Churches Allows Same-Sex Marriages – (OK, Methodists. We’re starting to look like backward-ass snake handlers now! Left behind, indeed!)

* From Patrick Stewart’s Birthday Party – (Can I get these guys to come to my birthday party?!?)

* When People Ask Me About My Job

* My Weekend Plans

* For The Bodybuilder/Weightlifter/Harry Potter Fan In Your Life

* Sheetcake Arrives At Banquet Saying “Stewardshit” – (Also, DAVID TENNANT!)

* Genderqueer Fashion

* Fuck Yeah, Androgyny!

* Fake Self-Help Books – (!!!)

* “Life’s Lil Pleasures” Mini Book – (The. BEST! ❤ ❤ ❤ )

* Nine Handy Curses Appropriate For Modern Life – (“May your coffee always be decaf.”)

* Creekside Cabin: Pet Friendly Cabin On The Creek – (It may be time to plan a vacation week…)

* You Can Now Anonymously Send A “Bag Of Dicks” To Your Enemies (Or Your Friends?)

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* Do Cats Dream?

* Awesomely Luvvie: “Pastor” Creflo Dollar Is Trying To Raise $65 Millon For A Plane

* Awesomely Luvvie: Dear Fellow Christians, About This Christ Crutch We Use To Justify Foolery…

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“Humans will always place our trust in things that will fail us. We will always insist on giving pieces of our heart to things that simply cannot love us back.”

– Nadia Bolz-Weber, “A Sermon On Addiction…”

“How come if you don’t give up on the person you love, the Hallmark Channel calls that ‘romance;” but on the Lifetime Network, if you don’t give up on the person you love, they call it ‘stalking?”’

Deanna Dennis

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Links of the Week – November 21, 2014

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* Why Your Brain Wants To Help One Child In Need – But Not Millions

* China’s 1st Round-Trip Moon Shot Sets Stage For Bigger Lunar Feats

* Tom Brokaw’s Phone Alarm Goes Off On TV

* Peanut Butter And Jelly Bars – (Making these this weekend!)

* On Bob Feller’s Birthday, We Remember The Time His Fastball Was Measured By Army Equipment

* Phish Plays Concert In SF, Breaks Out Into “We Are The Champions” Mid-Song When Giants Win

* 15 Things Men Need To Know About Women

* Midterms: Did Americans Get What They Want? – (Great article!)

* You Don’t Protect My Freedom: Our Childish Insistence On Calling Soldiers Heroes Deadens Real Democracy – (Spot on)

* ‘Promise Me’ Necklace – ❤ ❤ ❤

* Ohio State Marching Band Does Impressive Star Trek Themed Halftime Show – (Awesome sauce!)

* Catching Up With Trek’s Lt. Kevin Riley…Bruce Hyde – (I’ll take you HOOOOME again, Kathleeeeeeen!)

* PostSecret: Hurt

* Cock Block

* Meet Monty: The Adorable Cat With An Unusual Face

* Royals’ Rise Managed Adeptly By Yost

* Make Fulton County Animal Services Pets Thankful, and LifeLine Animal Project Will Wave The Adoption Fee in November

* Seattle Seahawks Mascot Apologizes For Pre-Game Incident – (Hysterical!)

* How Animals Hacked The Rainbow And Got Stumped On Blue – (Fascinating)

* Common Core Reading: ‘The New Colossus’

* Bizarre Baseball Culture: Post-Schulz Peanuts Go To Tokyo In “It’s Tokyo, Charlie Brown!” – (Wonderful!)

* Craigslist Missed Connections: ‘You Farted In Kroger’ – (Maybe the funniest thing I read this week…)

* What Should We Call Me: Makeup Game

* Straight People Should Leave Homophobic Churches

* The Devastating Pattern Of Sexual Abuse In Competitive Swimming – (I’m becoming furious….)

* Report Finds New Orleans Police Department Basically Ignored Calls Reporting Sex Crimes, Child Abuse – (How long are we going to keep looking the other way…?)

* Actress Barbara Bowman: Bill Cosby Raped Me – Why Wasn’t I Believed – (How long will society continue to ignore the cries of our mothers and sisters and daughters…?)

* “Honey Boo Boo” Star Mama June Reveals Father Of Two Daughters Is Sex Offender – (How long will we offer our children to predators…?)

* Cobb Softball Coach Facing Child Porn Charges – (How long will men feel free and privileged to prey on women and little girls with little fear of serious punishment…?)

* The White House Asks Men To Stop Campus Sex Abuse – (Imagine a man touching your mother, your wife, your sister or your daughter – fondling her breasts, touching her genitals, kissing her, sodomizing her, fucking her – all against her will. And imagine that she will be so ashamed and fearful that she won’t tell. Why should she if she won’t be believed, or if the incident won’t be investigated – if people will just tell her that she was asking for it, that it was her fault – or if people just don’t care? Now imagine how this will screw with her head for the rest of her life. It’s time to SCREAM and RAISE HELL about this. WE DESERVE BETTER!)

Ani DiFranco
“Hide & Seek”

Me and all the kids from the neighborhood
We’d play out in the street all summer long.
Rule was we had to go home at night,
When the street lights came on.
We were oblivious to the rest of the world.
And we’d hold up the cars in the street.
Yeah, we’d always play boys against girls,
And both sides would cheat.

Strange men would stop their cars at the curb
Say: “Hey sweetheart come here.”,
And I’d go up to the window and they’d have their dick out in their hand
With a sick little sneer.
And I’d say
“Here we go again! Yeah, ok this time you win.”
And I would feel dirty, I’d feel ashamed,
But I wouldn’t let it stop my game.

We would play hide and go seek.
Territory would be the whole block.
Sometimes the older boys when they’d find you,
They wouldn’t want to tag you, they’d just want to talk.
They’d say “What would you do for a quarter? Come on, we don’t have that much time.”
And I’d think a minute and I’d say:
“Ok…give me the quarter first. Fine.”
This time you win.
Here we go again!
And I would feel dirty and I would feel ashamed,
But I wouldn’t let it stop my game.

I remember my first trip alone on the greyhound bus,
And the man who put his hands on me to see where his knife fell
And I remember when I left how excited I was
And I remember when I arrived I didn’t feel so well.
I remember the teacher at school got me so sick and scared
I went into the bathroom and threw up in my hair
And I could go on, but you know, it just gets worse
So I think I’ll stop there…

Girl, next time he wants to know
What your problems is…
Girl, next time he wants to know
Where the anger comes from…
Just tell him this time the problem’s his.
Tell him the anger just comes.
It just comes.

 

 

Molestation: The Questions That Linger

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Peeling back one layer and healing it exposes the next. As we go deeper, a girl may say, ‘You know, I’ve never told anyone about this because I was too embarrassed (or because it didn’t seem important… she was afraid… she didn’t think anyone would believe her… or she thought it was her fault). But I think you should know.’

If these traumas are mentioned at all early on in counseling, it’s typically in conjunction with, ‘But that was years ago and I’m over it now.’ The hidden message behind this tough talk is often, ‘ I have spent a lot of energy and time trying to numb myself from feelings and to forget anything associated with this painful event. I would rather not talk about it. I choose to ignore these painful emotions rather than confront them, because I’m fairly certain I wouldn’t survive those overwhelming feelings.'”

The White Umbrella, Mary Frances Bowley, pp. 84-85

I still ask myself…

 – Why didn’t anybody in my family believe his previous accusers and keep it from happening to me?

 – Am I making it a bigger deal than I really should?

 – Why did it never occur to me to tell?

 – If I had told would it have protected his other victims?

 – What kind of monster would DO these things to children year after year?

 – I know there are things about the molestation I don’t remember. What are they? What if they’re horrific?

 – Why didn’t I stop him?

 – Is this the cause of so many of my insecurities and self-doubt and self-loathing, or do I just use it as an excuse to feel sorry for myself?

 – Is it the reason I have so many problems in relationships, or do I just use it as an excuse to cover up my shortcomings? 

 – Why do I still get so anxious – heart pounding, short of breath – when I think about it?

 – What would the resolution to this even be or look like in my life?

 – Do I have to forgive?

 – Do I have to stop being angry?

Isn’t it easier, less painful and less self-destructive to just keep repressing it and numbing it, to not pick at that scab?

Act Your Age

Throughout this book, you will notice that I often refer to the clients we work with as ‘girls.’ This is because, regardless of literal age, the children and women who come to Wellspring Living are all wounded little girls inside. Once a girl is molested, she is emotionally arrested at that age, making her vulnerable to unhealthy people and giving her a tendency of making life choices based on the age at abuse….

My heart aches for these girls. So many have been battered, bruised, and abused. They have weathered storms few of us can imagine. They are often suspicious of relationships and offered help. They do not smile or trust easily. They have been betrayed too many times. To survive, they have learned to be tough. Yet underneath the hard exterior is the loving person God intended them to be.”

– “The White Umbrella,” Mary Frances Bowley, p.18

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Things That Make Me Anxious

  • The last two hours at work
  • Thinking I look stupid
  • Beautiful women
  • Making small talk
  • Hanging with people I don’t know well
  • My boss
  • UGA football
  • The thought of not ending up with Boo
  • Incessant chatter around me
  • Conflict
  • Love stories
  • My grandfather
  • Thinking I look too much like a boy
  • Thinking I’m not pretty
  • News about sex crimes
  • News about abused animals
  • Facebook
  • Seeing Boo
  • Leaving work
  • Sometimes nothing in particular – My heart just races and I’m short of breath for no reason.

Unbroken

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“For example, a young girl who was physically abused by her father might find herself constantly seeking out abusive and unavailable men. Although she might not realize the reason behind her string of bad boyfriends, subconsciously, she is choosing these mates because she wants to recreate her trauma and ‘fix’ the situation. She tries to be ‘good enough’ for her partners, to be sweet enough, pretty enough, smart enough, obedient enough — anything to earn this partner’s love and hence rewrite history. She figures that if she can find a partner who is similar to her father and find that unconditional, supportive love he never offered her, it would almost be as if the pain of her childhood never happened.”

How Childhood Abuse Can Manifest in Adult Relationships – Dr. Laura Berman

I read this quote today and my heart raced and it was hard to breathe for several seconds. This explained me to a T. And suddenly everything made sense.

This is exactly what I’m doing when I chase men who are unavailable. And this is precisely the source of my deep emptiness.

I’m trying so hard to prove to myself that I’m OK and worthy of love, trying so hard to fill that empty pit inside me that says I’m no good, that I will debase myself in pursuit of a man I care about hoping that he’s the answer to that emptiness. It’s the same emptiness I’ve tried to fill with food and alcohol and Star Trek and running and cutting and Dr. Who and books and television and Facebook.

But when I read this today, I realized that I can’t fix the situation. I can’t rewrite history. And it turns out, that impossibilty makes everything OK.

The evil of the sexual abuse I experienced at the hands of my grandfather does not make me complicit in or guilty of his sins. The things he did to me were his fault, not mine. His abuse of me doesn’t make me worthless. His abuse of me makes him worthless. I’m OK. I will no longer allow his ghost to whisper to my soul that I am not good enough, that I am somehow empty or bereft. My heart and soul are not empty. I am full. I am plenty. I am enough.

The time has come to stop worrying if I am pleasing others. The time has come to stop begging people to love me. The time has come to stop living in fear of being a disappointment.

I am good enough to deserve good love. I am good enough to be myself. I am good enough to stop chasing men who can’t offer me what I need. I am good enough to be.

The time has come to take a deep breath, to take a deep rest. It’s time to be OK with myself.

Maybe I’ll wear dresses with Doc Martens and baseball caps. Maybe I’ll fly to London alone and see the Thames. Maybe I’ll eat something decadent and not track the calories in my food diary. Maybe I’ll go out on a date with someone I don’t know. Maybe I’ll learn to knit. Maybe I’ll buy a car and drive to California. Maybe I’ll go for a run without tracking the time and distance. Maybe I’ll rent a pickup truck and drive out into the country with a bunch of pillows and blankets and listen to Conway and Loretta and look at the stars all by myself. Maybe I’ll cry in front of people without shame. Maybe I’ll holler “Fuck you, motherfuckers!” with impunity.

No matter what I decide to do, it is enough. I am not broken after all.

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Dr. Weiner: Or How I Learned To Quit Worrying And Love Paxil

Until this summer, I didn’t know I could have no feelings. There was nothing but the flat, affectlessness of depression. Nothing made me happy. Nothing made me want to leave the house. I never looked forward to anything with anticipation. I never wanted to be around anybody. I had no hope. I had no reason to live. I just lay on the couch in front of the tv with a blank mind. And I finally got in trouble at work for just sitting at my desk and zoning out in the same fashion – just without the blanket. Things were actually better in a way until about five years ago when I stopped drinking.

I started drinking in graduate school when I was going though a severe, but undiagnosed depression – that kind of depression where you wake up in the morning and feel normal for a second, and then the weight of the sadness falls on your heart for another day and you remember. I went to night classes at seminary drunk, skipped internship events, finally dropped out of school and got kicked out of my apartment by my best friends because I had turned into such a bad roommate. But things were better because alcohol relieved some of the pain.

I moved to Virginia-Highlands into a filthy, crappy old apartment, worked nights at Emory in the AV department and drank too much while running up debt on my credit cards. After about 2 1/2 years of that, I was so tired of being sad. I decided to take up softball again after several years hoping to find a way to recapture some passion for living instead of just a passion for feeling nothing through drinking. I not only found a bunch of softball at the old Softball Country Club on North Decatur Rd.; I also found a husband! My husband’s father had been an alcoholic, so he was totally against drinking. I quit for him, but also because I was so happy, I didn’t need to drink anymore. My pain and sadness were gone! There was no need to mask my feelings. My life was finally happily settled!

And then the regular day to day reality of living with someone, even someone you love, started to settle in. I didn’t know how to communicate about the things that made me mad and sad and anxious and scared. I was hurt and passive-aggressive and resentful. I started having a beer every now and then when my husband was at the ballfield to relax. Then I started thinking that if he really loved me, he wouldn’t do things that hurt my feelings or make me mad. I needed someone who would treat me the way I deserved. So I had an affair. And my partner in the affair promised me if I left my husband, he’d leave his girlfriend and we’d be together. So I got an apartment and did just that. All I could take was the stuff that would fit in the five trips I made in my car between my house and the new apartment during that day when my husband was at work. I left most of my books, my baseball cards and my dogs. (You can’t keep Labs in an apartment.) And I left my husband, who I thought I’d love forever, after ten years of marriage.

And, indeed, I wound up getting treated just like I deserved. Of course, my partner in the affair didn’t leave his girlfriend to move in with me. I was devastated. So I got up every day, went to work and watched the clock because I couldn’t WAIT to go home and drink to numb the hurt. I’d come home and sit out on my porch on a ballfield chair or in front of the TV and drink Coors Light or Vodka & Diet Mountain Dew (Hey. I was living in Conyers. Don’t judge me! When in Rome…) until I’d pass out on the couch, usually watching “Little House on the Prairie” because it was so very soothing. I will say, I got a LOT of reading done that year because I could never sleep. I could only pass out and then wake up, go to bed and not sleep.

One day when it became obvious that my relationship with my partner was over, I snuck away from work in the middle of the day, went home and got drunk. And of course, the office called and needed me for an emergency. I had only been back at work for about 30 minutes when my boss came in. It was obvious I was drunk. Fortunately, I didn’t get fired. I was just sent home. But I was so ashamed. I was the golden child; I was gifted; I was supposed to go into the ministry. And somehow it had all come to this. I felt like the dumbest, dirtiest, most foolish and worthless person on the face of the earth.

So then I started my drinking in the mornings on the weekends. Vodka & Diet Mountain Dew at 9am? Sure, why not? After about three months, my divorce was final; and after about six months, I decided I needed to get back in the world just to pridefully prove to people that I hadn’t ruined my life, that I was doing OK and was ready to happily move on.

I met a guy at a Christmas party and by June had moved to Midtown Atlanta to live with him in his condo. And we drank a lot! I’m pretty sure that there for a while we were technically minority owners of The Vortex. At least once or twice a week, we’d still be sitting at the bar there at 2am when they had turned on the lights and were sweeping the floors. But we were good customers and good tippers, so they never seemed to mind. Then we’d come home and sit on the balcony of the condo until 4 or 5 in the morning drinking Bloody Marys. Who needs more than two hours of sleep? Sure I was going to work hungover a few days a week, but I was having fun. So what if some days I had to just sit at my desk with my head down on my folded up jacket because the world was still spinning from the night before?

Things went on like this for a few years, but then when the economy went down the toilet, my boyfriend lost his job. We were just living on my salary and I was scared to death! What was going to happen if I lost my job too? I started drinking more and more. We had a very convenient convenience store on the bottom floor of my condo, and I could just swing through there every night after work and pick up a six pack of Heineken Light. I’d sit on the balcony and drink all six and fall asleep on the couch. And after a while, six weren’t enough. I finally worked my way up (down?) to a twelve pack of Natural Light every night. (I couldn’t afford to drink twelve Heinekens every night.)

I was drinking too much to go out in public to drink any more. One of my biggest fears was that I’d go out drunk and make a spectacle of myself. I wanted to get drunk as hell to quell all my panic, but more than anything I wanted to stay in control. I finally decided that I needed to get a handle on the drinking before something really bad happened. So I started by telling myself I’d just drink two beers. But if there were four more in the refrigerator, I couldn’t keep myself from giving in and drinking those too. Then I tried just drinking on the weekends. But there always seemed to be an excuse to drink during the week too: I had a bad day at work, I had something to celebrate, I had something to mourn, everybody else was drinking at Tin Roof after Thursday night softball. I was even playing ball (trying and failing miserably) while I was drunk off my ass. I was starting to realize that I couldn’t stop drinking even when I wanted to.

On February 22, 2009, a Sunday, I had been at the condo drinking all afternoon. When a friend called to ask if we were coming to the condo’s Oscar party, I told my boyfriend I was already too drunk to go. But they convinced me that it would be fun. I agreed to go, but told them I wasn’t going to drink any more. But when I got downstairs to the social room, there was free alcohol. I was powerless. I drank through the whole Oscar ceremony and then we proceeded to our friend’s 4th floor condo to keep drinking. When we drank up everything we had there, they convinced me to go back down to the social room and see if there was any alcohol left there. I found a half-full bottle of some kind of pink wine in the refrigerator and went back to our friend’s with it. The last thing I remember was sitting on my friend’s couch drinking this DREADFUL wine, smoking a cigarette, feeling sleepy and thinking to myself, “I don’t need to fall asleep on this couch with this lit cigarette.”

About an hour or so later I woke up sitting on the floor leaning against the wall next to the elevators on the 20th floor down the hall from our condo. I couldn’t get up. I knew I needed to get to our door, but I just couldn’t rouse myself and passed back out. Finally, I woke back up enough to make it home and my boyfriend was standing in the kitchen FURIOUS! Apparently, an hour earlier, we’d left our friend’s condo together and when both elevators opened at the same time we decided to elevator race to the 20th floor. (I have no recollection of this.)

My boyfriend was on the phone with the police when I walked in reporting me missing. He’d been all over the building and couldn’t find me anywhere. I was mortified. This wasn’t getting drunk and passing out. This was getting so drunk that I blacked out. My body was still awake, but my brain was asleep. I guess I’d been somewhere in the building wandering around for the previous hour, but I have no idea where I went. (I had some neighbors I didn’t really know who would giggle at me and say, “Hi, neighbor!” everytime I saw them on the elevator after that, and so I suspect they were somehow involved in whatever happened that night.)

I was scared shitless! I could’ve wandered out on Peachtree St. and been raped or robbed or hit by a car. The police had been called! This was the “out of control” I had been so scared of. My boyfriend and I both called in sick the next morning. When we woke up, I remember us just laying there in bed looking at each other sheepishly. We both whole-heartedly apologized and stumbled to the living room and fell miserably on our respective couches. I remember being prone on the love seat staring at the ceiling numbly through the entire run time of “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly” on AMC. (That’s a long time! A long, long movie and all those commercials, y’all!) I was so frightened that it was hard to breathe. I literally felt like there was some kind of evil force trying to suck my very soul away. I knew this had to stop. But I didn’t know how I was going to manage to quit drinking when I’d tried so hard to manage it on my own and failed.

The next day at work I poked around on the internet and found the Addiction Recovery Guide‘s Alcohol message board. People there had stories that sounded just like mine, but they were getting better. They encouraged me to find a recovery group. Then one blessed soul there gave me a sound “kick in the ass” challenge and I relented and went to a recovery meeting. Thank God! I found experience, strength and hope in the stories of my fellow recovering alcoholics. I went to this group almost every Monday through Thursday for a couple of years. I learned so much about myself and my faults and strengths. And I made friendships and support structures I’ll have forever. And I honestly have not wanted a drink since the day I walked in that room. (It doesn’t work that way for everybody. I am truly blessed.)

My boyfriend moved out a couple of years ago. The time had come. The relationship had run its course. And we parted as friends. But it was so nice to feel like I had the freedom that came with singleness. I could watch whatever I wanted to TV. I didn’t have to worry about where someone else was. I didn’t have to be quiet in the mornings. I relished all that for a while and then last year just kind of lost myself in Dr. Who for a while. Distractions had become helpful denial. I never wanted the leave the condo except to go to work and church, and I certainly didn’t want to do anything with other people. And then, as I mentioned in a previous post, the big depression started settling in around November of last year.

I fought it pretty well until Mother’s Day this year, and then the wheels came off. I called in sick that next day because I couldn’t get out of bed and the sadness and depression hit full bore. By summer, I couldn’t feel anything at all. (I felt happy for only and exactly THIS moment all summer long. Really.) My heart hurt all the time. Sometimes I’d just lay on the couch, cover my head with the blanket and pray for a bus to hit me since I was pretty sure I was too cowardly to kill myself. I’d wake up in the mornings with my heart racing. I’d lock myself in the bathroom at work and cry. I didn’t want to drink again. But I sure did recall why I had, how it numbed the pain and worry and sadness. Once again, I was out of control and powerless and I knew I needed help.

I called the Wellness Center at work (bless my liberal workplace!) and met with a nurse who discussed my depression with me and who gave me the number to call to find a therapist that was in our insurance network. When I got up to leave she asked me, “Are you going to call?” When I answered, “Maybe,” she sat me back down and made the call for me. (God bless her too! She’ll be getting a Christmas card this year!)

I scheduled an appointment with a psychotherapist (Dr. Weiner) and started meeting with her weekly. We started discussing my issues with relationships, anger, vulnerability and trust, including the effect childhood sexual abuse has had on all facets of my life. I started feeling better about myself when I understood more about how all the pieces fit together. And I slowly started feeling feelings again.

I started working through “The Courage to Heal Workbook” to learn about coping and healing. My friend loaned me a book called “The Gift of Imperfection” that was a tremendous help towards my understanding that I can live my life without shame and be my authentic self without fear. And I saw a psychiatrist who prescribed Paxil for anxiety and depression.

I knew for my whole life, particularly as I got older, that I had a touch of social anxiety. (And the alcohol had helped with this tremendously.) I was generally afraid of people, especially if I didn’t know them really well. But I didn’t realize until I got into therapy how much fear and anxiety I had about EVERYTHING. I was afraid to go someplace I wasn’t familiar with because I didn’t know where I’d park. I was afraid to try something new because I was afraid of how embarrassed I’d be if I wasn’t good at it. I was afraid to go to a movie because what if I didn’t like it. I was afraid to spend money on myself because what would I do if I went broke and had to be homeless. And heaven forbid if I had to go somewhere and make small talk with people! *passes out*

I can’t begin to tell you what a difference the Paxil has made. Between the therapy and the Paxil, I’m only afraid of things I should be afraid of like bears, the bubonic plague and Velveeta. I make eye contact with strangers on elevators and say hello. I went to Atlantic Station where I’d never driven before, figured out the parking and found the store I needed without breaking a sweat. I had company spend the night last weekend. And I invited people over to watch Dr. Who next weekend.

But most importantly, it’s brought back my joy and my hope for the future and my dreams. Little things like bringing a smile to someone’s face make me happy again now. I’m thinking about going back to theology school and trying it sober this time! And I’ve discovered that I love writing and would like nothing better than to find a way to do more of it.

So the point of this long-winded, meandering, narcissistic story of my adult life is this. If you are hurting or struggling, there is no shame in it. And there is no shame in asking for help. In fact, the only way to heal is by getting help. We can’t do it alone. It’s the aloneness and isolation that push us farther and farther down into our abyss. Reach out to someone. Reach out to me. There is help. There is hope and there is no shame. Healing and recovery and renewed joy and hope are possible. And they feel incredible.